there’s no one here but us. “I was thinking…” I repeat, coming up with a plan on the fly. It’s a selfish plan, one that will help me find a way to gain his forgiveness. “We should maybe put our own spin on it.”
“How?” he asks, and when I look up, I catch him watching me. He averts his gaze a moment later, focuses on the ball in his hand.
“I thought we could make it more personal? Have an actual test subject rather than resources we find online so it’s not the same old, same old, you know?”
He bounces the ball. Again and again. Contemplating. “You have a subject in mind?”
“You.”
His eyes widen. “Me?”
I nod.
“And what exactly would that entail?”
“You have to tell me about you. Genetics versus upbringing.”
He takes a step back, shaking his head. Jaw tense, a fierceness flickers in his gaze, a wall dropping down between us. It’s as instant as it is intense. He closes his eyes, slowly, his dark lashes fanning across his cheeks. By the time he opens them again, all emotions have been wiped. “I wouldn’t be the best subject for this,” he says, his voice flat. “We should use you.”
“Hell no.” A giant Fuck No. There’s no way I’m willing to reveal the details of my life.
Not yet.
Not to him.
“Well, I’m out.”
“But—”
“But nothing, Ava. We’re not doing this,” he says, his voice firm.
“But you need the grades, right? To play, I mean. This is the perfect—”
“I said no!” His voice echoes off the walls, and he cringes at the sound. Annoyance fills his every word. “Just leave it alone.”
I shrink into myself. I hate being spoken to like this. Being yelled at. “Jesus, what’s your deal?” I snap, combative. “I’m just trying to get to know you here, and you’re—”
“I’m what?”
“You’re fighting me.”
“Fine!” he barks, frustrated, and looms over me. “I can’t do what you’re asking because I don’t know shit about my mom.” His voice cracks on the last words.
My breath catches on an inhale, my stomach giving out. I lower my gaze, wishing for a damn shovel to dig a hole that I could crawl into. I stumble through my speech. “I’m so sorry, Connor. Did she, umm… did she die or…?”
“No,” he breathes out. His voice softer, calmer. “I mean, I don’t know. She abandoned me when I was young.”
I look up again. Right into his eyes already focused on mine. “As in, she left?”
His lips part, but nothing comes out. A sharp inhale. Steady exhale. His throat moves with his loud swallow, but he doesn’t break eye contact. Finally, he speaks. “As in she drove us to the airport parking lot on a hundred-degree day in the middle of July, made sure I was buckled in nice and tight in my car seat, kissed me goodbye, and walked away. She walked away, and she never came back. So no, Ava, she didn’t just ‘leave me.’ She fucking abandoned me.”
Chapter 13
Connor
My ears fill with the sound of the ball bouncing off the hardwood, the backboard, the rim. Again and again. Echo echo echo. My shoes scrape. Muscles in my arms, my legs, my heart burning. Sweat pools, drips down my face, but I can’t stop. Won’t stop. I push harder, further. It’s the only way to get out of my head, to stop the memories from flooding in.
I remember looking down at my hands, at the sweat that pooled beneath the two toy cars I held on to. Lightning McQueen in my right. Sally in my left. I took them everywhere with me, even in my sleep. “You’re my reason, Connor. Don’t ever forget that,” she said. She kissed my forehead, and I’d kept my gaze down, watching my three-year-old legs kicking back and forth.
I remember the heat.
The way the sun filtered through the open door, burning my flesh…
Right before she slammed the door shut between us.
No other words.
No warnings.
I watched her walk away, step by step until she disappeared between the rows of cars.
Minutes passed, and I started to worry.
She’d never left me before, not for that long.
I struggled to breathe.
It was so hot.
I kicked at the back of the front seat in frustration, dropping Lightning as I did.
I tried to reach for it, but my belt was on tight.
So tight.
So hot.
That’s when the tears came.
I remember the way the belt cut into me when I kept reaching for the car, over and over.
I squirmed.
I screamed.
I remember how my tears felt on the palms of my hands. Warm