of his eyes and runs his hand through his hair. His eyes pierce mine, telling me something, but I’m unsure exactly what it is. “Don’t let him win, Lana. Take it from me. Other peoples’ sins don’t have to be your downfall.”
Breathing becomes impossible, each inhale a struggle as I try to hold back my emotions. If I exhale, I fear I’ll crumble and show how badly broken I am to the boy of my dreams.
I always fantasize that Mackson King will ask me out, to the park, a walk maybe. But this is something else entirely. He’s observing me, truly looking at me and seeing who I am. Who I always wanted to be, who I constantly felt I was but kept questioning, kept wondering if it was my vision which was distorted and not my father’s.
Before I can even fathom a reply Mack turns around and walks back toward my house, but he doesn’t turn into my yard, he keeps going and I stand here staring at his back until he disappears into the dark of the night.
With the rain easing, I look up into the night sky and search out into the vast universe feeling my lips tip up into a smile. My heart feels lighter and suddenly my future looks a little bit brighter.
2004
Playing basketball with the guys today, my hand touched Mackson’s, twice. The first time he was surprised and quickly moved it. The second time he held it still a moment longer than he needed to. My heart thumped wildly, and for the first time ever, I thought it would jump right out of my chest.
2005
I kneel beside my house, threading the chain through my bike, locking it up for the day. Hearing leaves crunching behind me, I glance over my shoulder to see Mack walking over to me, his head down, hands in his pockets.
I adore his presence. He’s not like the other guys who hang around my brother; they’re always loud and bossy. Mack is quiet, yet when he speaks everyone stops and listens to him. He’s the type of guy who doesn’t try too hard to get noticed because it’s natural for him.
I lock my chain and stand to turn toward Mack.
He stops close and looks up at me quickly before glancing away and inquiring, “I heard Corey asked you out?”
My heart stutters and I try hard to mask the evidence of my surprise and joy.
He’s interested about a boy who asked me out?
“Yes,” I cough after my one-word answer, trying to give myself time to come up with something better. “Yep, he sure did.”
Mack’s eyes meet mine, but this time they stay fixed on me. “What are you gonna say?”
He wants to know what I’m going to say?
I say nothing for a long moment thinking over the reasons why Mackson wants to know what my answer to Corey will be. Does he want me to say no, so he can ask me out? Is he only curious? When enough time passes, I know I need to say something so, I decide to just be honest.
“I’m going to say no. I don’t like Corey that way.”
Please ask me out, please.
Mack nods his head slowly, glances around the yard awkwardly and then says, “Well, I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I release a heavy sigh and my shoulders slump in disappointment.
Mackson walks off quickly, out of my yard and onto the road toward Portland, toward one of his homes. I’m not sure which one they’re in at the moment. I’ve heard it’s either boxes in a park or abandoned houses and factories. Rex won’t let me go with him when he visits them; he says it’s dangerous, that there are too many other homeless people who are bad. So instead, I’m left at home with a father who berates me every chance he gets, but at least, he’s the kind of bad I know I can handle.
2008
I run into my house, tears cascading down my cheeks. I hiccup as I pass my father getting a drink from the fridge. Slamming my bedroom door closed, I throw my college bag down on the ground.
A burst of air hits the back of my neck as my bedroom door suddenly swings open. “Don’t you fucking dare slam the doors in my house! You got that, Lana?” my father grates out in an angry drunken slur.
I don’t answer him. I wait to see if his stare flickers over my red-rimmed eyes or the sadness still falling