the reason behind it.
Levi was an admiral of Hell. If this was the Devil’s relationship with one of his top men, he had a few problems. Not to mention, Levi was his nephew, as I was Satan’s niece.
“You want to eighty-six the death glares?” I asked my brother. “Not really helping.”
“No,” he replied.
“Mmmkay,” I said, trying to figure out the best plan of action. “Maybe you should leave.”
“Not happening. He can leave.”
“Not happening,” I snapped. “We need information and Uncle Fucker has it. Or I hope he does.”
“Good luck getting anything out of the bastard,” Levi replied coldly. “He’s an asshole.”
“Of course, he’s an asshole. That’s a given,” I said wanting to roll my eyes, but refraining. “I need to either bribe him or blackmail him, and your ’tude isn’t really helping me reach my goal. Plus, the asshole is family.”
“I have no family,” Levi said tonelessly, ripping a hole in my non-beating heart.
“Listen to me, Lord Wrangler Tough Skins. You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. You’re stuck with them. I’m your sister and the asshole is your uncle. I’d suggest you un-wad your panties, pull them out of your crack and get with the program.”
“The asshole can hear both of you,” Satan hissed, picking up the box and holding it close to his chest. “Just say your piece out loud and I shall be leaving with my gift, since I was misled about the Staples booty. I only have a half hour before Thomas the Tank Engine comes on and I will not be late.”
“Samuel loved Thomas the Tank Engine too,” I said, hoping to diffuse the friction and move quickly past how many times I’d just called him an asshole. I mean, the truth was the truth, but it wasn’t going to get me anywhere fast.
“Yes, well, it makes me want to claw my eyes out of my head, but Luke thinks it’s brilliant,” Satan explained. “I keep waiting for George Carlin to cuss out Sir Topham Fucking Hatt, but no luck so far.”
“Why would George Carlin cuss out a fictional character on a cartoon?” Levi asked, unable to stop himself.
“First of all, it’s not a cartoon,” Satan grumbled.
If I wasn’t mistaken, and I don’t think I was, Uncle Fucker seemed secretly delighted that Levi had addressed him without fury or throwing a weapon.
“Secondly, George Carlin is the narrator. While I was initially excited to hear the news that one of the most brilliantly profane comics was chronicling the sleep-inducing antics of a talking fucking train, I have been wildly disappointed with the results,” he huffed. “I’ve put in a call to Heaven to give George a piece of my mind, but I don’t think that jackass God passed on the message.”
“Mmkay,” I said, deciding that Satan was a little too volatile at the moment to keep him here too long. I got right to it. “Why is Lizard on a mission in LA? Does it have anything to do with the Zombies? Why did you send Levi to me? Was there a reason? And have you stopped being jealous of Elle’s boobs?”
“None of that is any of your business,” he replied, seating himself on the couch and putting the channel changer in his pocket.
Damn, I’d missed the remote. “I beg to differ, Uncle Fucker,” I shot back.
“There are rarely coincidences in our world,” Ethan said flatly. “There are Zombies in LA—or rather, were Zombies in LA.”
Satan’s surprised gaze flew to Ethan and he raised a brow. “You destroyed them?”
“I did,” he replied.
“One question answered,” Satan said. “If you eliminated them, then your own people are creating them.”
“Yep, already know that,” I said, thinking that maybe the Devil didn’t know any more than we did. “Is that why you sent Lizard to California? To find out if he could kill them?”
“Indeed, I did,” Satan said, checking his watch. “Is that all?”
I glanced over at Ethan. He was staring at the list of names on his desk with a dark expression. While I wasn’t acquainted with the secretive reporters, he apparently was.
“You’re asking the wrong questions,” Levi commented, leaning back in his chair and crossing his legs.
“No one asked you,” Satan warned.
“Makes it all the more fun,” Levi shot back coldly.
“Would you like to go back to where you were two days ago?” Satan inquired casually as his eyes turned a sparkling red.
Levi shrugged, but the tightness of his jaw belied his casual attitude. “Doesn’t matter to me.”
“Where were