linked to my family.
My friends, my job, where I live. I’m reliant on them in too many ways.
Levi goes darting past with one of the neighbors’ kids, and it makes me smile, the way they can be so involved in their little games and have no worries about the rest of us. I’ll bet they have no idea what expectations are.
“You’re thinking pretty hard over there.”
I sigh. “I don’t know how I’ll ever willingly give all this up.”
“Yeah,” Circus says, voice more gravelly than usual. “It’s pretty great. But …”
“I know what you’re going to say.” Pointing out that conditional acceptance isn’t what makes a family doesn’t get me anywhere though.
He pins me with those deep gray eyes, and I can’t look away. “I was going to say you have me now. And my friends. I know Tanner already likes you, and Royce barely likes anyone, but Jules and Mitch love everyone. Dahlia thinks you’re hot”—he winks—“and Leon understands.”
“Leon hates me.” I laugh, thinking of the other night. “Actually, is he in love with you or something? Because he was giving off serious vibes.”
Circus snorts. Loudly. “Definitely fucking not. I’m not his type, and he’s not mine. Normally Leon doesn’t give a shit what I do with my life, but he knows our history, and he saw the crush I had on you back then. He doesn’t want me making the same mistakes.”
Well, that’s a relief. “I don’t know.” I shake my head. “They’re your friends, Circus.” I know them all because in Sunbury you basically know everyone by extension, but since they were the year below me, we didn’t cross paths much.
Whereas Circus and I were drawn to each other. I couldn’t have escaped his pull if I tried. And it’s happening again.
“All I’m saying is meet us at the bar tomorrow night. Hang out and relax. Be yourself. See two men being openly affectionate, and if you choose to let them know you’re gay, none of them will say anything. We have each other’s back always.”
Inviting Circus to a family lunch. Hanging out with openly queer men who I know my family are leery of. It’s like I’m determined to put a sign over my head saying Gay as fuck.
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks.”
Movement makes my gaze stray from Circus to my grandpa coming out of the house. He’s carrying a salad that he plonks on the table, before heading in our direction.
I immediately stiffen. When he wears that pinched look, it’s like I’m five years old again and he’s just busted me wearing Mom’s high heels.
“Rowan,” he says, but he’s staring hard at Circus. “And Kelly Atkins.”
I jerk at the name, forgetting he always insisted on calling Circus by his real name. Instead of getting pissed like when I did it, Circus slides his hands in the pockets of his floral-print shorts and rocks back on his heels.
“Old man Harvey.”
“Listen, boy, we don’t want any trouble.”
Circus lets out a long breath. “Well, thank goodness for that. Trouble seems like way too much energy for this time in the day. If you’d requested it, I would have had to decline.”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Rowan, bringing his kind around.”
My throat feels thick and sticky, and I want to tell him to back off, but I can’t.
“And what kind are you referring to?” Circus has lost the friendly tone now.
Grandpa bares his teeth like a dog exposing its hackles. “Homosexuals.”
Circus gasps and pretends to look around. “There are homosexuals here?”
“Boy lovers.” He’s not bothering to keep his voice down now. “Like you.”
“Oh, you’ve got it all wrong.” At first, I actually think Circus is going to deny it. “I’m just a run-of-the-mill pansexual.”
“Pan … what?”
“It means I love cooking instruments. I just can’t get enough.”
Circus isn’t keeping his voice down either, and I’m torn in that place between laughing and crying, and I’m worried I might start to do both. At the same time.
“You brought him to a family event.” Grandpa turns to me. “There are children here.”
“Gramps, that’s enough.” Leita marches up to us, and she looks fierce. “This conversation is ending right now.” She points a pair of salad tongs at Grandpa. “Go sit down and behave yourself, and stop making my guests uncomfortable. And you two, stop encouraging it. Other end of the yard, now.”
“It’s okay, Leita,” Circus says. “I’m going to head off. Your grandpa says there’s homosexuals around, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing food with one. They’re not house-trained, you know.”
“Don’t