and their families. And for Haley, so she didn’t have to live with this loss.
I kept working, trying to go numb.
I was lost in these kinds of thoughts as I had been lately. I was in that place when I heard the crunch of gravel in the driveway. I sucked in a breath, praying it wasn’t Haley.
I glanced back to see her brother, Noah. I wiped the dirt off my hands and got off my knees. He drew close to me, the grief rolling off in suffocating waves. I’d known him for years. The regret that he couldn’t protect his sister from pain must be killing him. And it was my fault. He must hate me.
“Why?” he asked.
I felt a sudden pang of fear that he knew. That it was my fault two classmates were dead and that Haley was doomed to live a life filled with grief and survivor’s guilt. But then I was such a chicken shit. I should’ve gone to the police right away. But as each day passed it was easier to live with this burden of guilt for that was punishment. To walk through life but not really live and not feel the joys of life was harder than sitting in a cell. Or I truly was a coward and couldn’t face the pain I’d see in Haley’s eyes when she learned the truth. I couldn’t bear to see her love turn to hate.
I finally answered Noah. “Why what?” My voice was like a croak, my throat dry from lack of talking and living.
“Why have you left her when she needs you the most?” he asked.
I studied him. He stared at my handiwork, without seeing. I saw glimpses of Haley in his eyes and expressions of pain, but he was able to keep his emotions more carefully guarded than her. I wanted to answer but words escaped me. Anything I said wouldn’t make sense. But I tried.
“She needs her family right now. I don’t want to be in the way.” It was a lame answer and each word out of my mouth screamed I was a hypocrite.
He turned, the rage palpable in his eyes and in the hard lines of his jaw and tense shoulders. The muscles rippled in his arm, and I thought he’d punch me. I’d welcome it. Instead, his words floated like a whisper on a breeze.
“She needs you.”
I shrugged and stated the truth. “I can’t be there for her. I’m not the one she needs, and I can’t bring back her friends.”
Finally, he pushed my shoulder. “Don’t you get it? She’s not only grieving them, but you! She’s loved you for years. She planned on spending her life with.”
His next shove was harder, and I fell back on the gravel walkway. Sharp stones pierced the skin on my hand. Inside, my heart cracked. I couldn’t say the words that beat with every breath. I knew she needed me. Dammit. But she needed the me from last week before this all happened. Before the accident. But that Seth, that boyfriend was gone, vaporized in one careless night. With her, I couldn’t lie. She’d know. And she’d keep asking and asking and asking until I was forced to tell the truth, or we’d slowly drift apart. Either way she’d be hurt worse than right now. Better to make a clean break than draw it out.
Disappointment shone in Noah’s eyes. Like he was here on her behalf to find the truth, so he could make sense of his sister’s grief. But he wouldn’t find answers with me. I wasn’t her magical cure. I never would be. I was poison.
His face turned grim, set in stone, a mask replacing the hurt and the hope. His words spit out. “I don’t know what the hell your problem is but you can’t just leave it like this. You have to talk to her.”
He reacted to my stubborn stance, because in three seconds he closed the gap between us and yanked me to my feet. I waited for the blow, hoping for it. Any pain would be a distraction and just punishment.
“I just dropped her off at the bluff. I’m going to let her have some space and then bring her some hot chocolate. In about thirty minutes, you will call my cell and ask for Haley to stop by. I don’t care if you have to lie out your ass but if you can’t be there for her, you need to break it off with her.”
I nodded.