he was waiting to have the “let’s have sex or break up” talk. But he wouldn’t, not the night before graduation. Right?
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, trying to hide my annoyance.
He pulled down his shirt and tucked me into his side again, but the ease and comfort disappeared. Our bodies no longer fit, and arms and legs poked awkwardly.
“You scared?”
“Of what?” I asked, hesitating. He changed the subject, and I wasn’t sure of his purpose.
We lay on our backs, the grass tickling our necks, staring up through the branches into the dark sky. A flurry of clouds hid the bright moon, with only a few rays peeking out.
“You tell me,” he said.
I wondered where the conversation was heading. It was like he was trying to get me to admit something. I turned and kissed his cheek. “I’m scared of falling without knowing where I’m going to land.”
“What else?” His lips grazed my cheek. I guess my anger and knee-jerk reaction was forgiven.
“Um.” It was hard to concentrate when his fingers were tracing the skin above my jeans. I pushed them away. “I don’t know. Lots of things: bugs, bats, snakes. Normal stuff.”
“What are you really scared of?” he asked.
He meant more than the silly fears of the dark or being home alone at night. That was what happened when you watched too many horror movies with your older brother. “What do you want to know?”
He sighed and ruffled the ends of my hair. “I want to know why every time we get hot and heavy you find some reason to stop. I want to know why you have to turn every serious conversation we have into a joke.”
Huh? I was shocked into silence. Not about the sex part, that didn’t surprise me one bit. But the joking part. He’d said that was the part he loved about me. But maybe that had grown old. For the first time I was speechless. I was the one always hinting around about the future, wasn’t I? He was the one who avoided the conversations.
The words popped out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Ya know, babe. If you wanted to head to Vegas after graduation all you had to do was ask.”
I knew it was a mistake as soon I said the words. Seth stiffened and pulled away. He sat up and put his head into his hands. I ran my hands across his back, trying to soften his mood.
He grabbed my wrist and put it aside. “Not now, Haley.”
I sat up next to him. “What, Seth? What do you want? What’s wrong?” Something had to be wrong. This wasn’t Seth. He would never act like this unless he’d had more to drink than I thought.
He turned and the shadows on his face made him real sexy but any heat had been sapped from the night. “It’s graduation tomorrow.”
“I know that.” Now I was annoyed. He made me feel like I was three years old and he was walking me through the alphabet.
“Do you?”
I breathed deep several times because I didn’t want to fight on this night. “Yes, Seth. I know that.” My sarcasm slipped in. “I know that two plus two equals four and five plus five equals ten.”
Seth stood and paced. “This is exactly what I mean. I’m trying to talk to you and all you can do is crack jokes.”
“What do you expect me to do? You’re attacking me because I don’t want to do more than make out in someone’s backyard.” My voice cracked. “You’ve always been fine with that.”
“What choice do I have?” He shook his head and then grabbed for my hand. “I am fine with that, but every once in a while it’s nice to be needed. To know I’m loved.”
Then it hit me. “Is this about graduation and not sex?”
“Not really. It’s about everything. We’ve been together for years.” He let go of my hand and an invisible wall dropped between us. I shivered. “At first I liked that you didn’t pressure me about the future. But after years and it getting closer to graduation, I wonder why you don’t. I need to know you’re not going to up and leave one day when you’re tired of me.”
Seth was much more than some fling to me but I couldn’t find the words to tell him. Saying I love you now would sound like a cop-out.
“Maybe we should talk about this when you’re not drunk,” I said.
Seth reached for me then dropped