came to us. You’ve sheltered her from me. Me! The person who should have been the one to protect her from anyone else. You’ve turned away from me, and rightfully so. I feel so completely lost. If I do one thing, my family suffers. If I do the other, my brothers suffer. Well, I guess they don’t so much suffer as get pissed off. The thing is, they were there for me when I went through all that shit when you were gone. They stood by my side, picked me up when I was at my worst, and they put up with me beating the shit out of them, literally. Anything to curb the anger and sadness I felt with your loss. They knew, when that shit went down with Ever’s mom, how it bothered me. The tailspin I could have gone down, they kept me from the worst of it.
When Ever showed up, I went to that dark place again. That space in my head where my choices were taken from me, where I felt filthy all over again. Unclean. I didn’t know how to process it. Hell, I still don’t.
I love her. I’ve watched her grow. These feelings inside me are so goddamn conflicting though. I am proud of her and all those accomplishments she makes on the one hand, and on the other, I’m pissed off at the amount of time you’re spending with her and not our children. Not me! I know that sounds completely selfish and fucked up. I don’t deny that. It’s just that I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that she had all your attention, but I could never pull my head out of my ass long enough to see that it was only because she was getting none of mine. Yeah, the balance was off, but it was entirely on me. I just couldn’t see it. I’m starting to though.
I smiled at my daughter yesterday and she cringed. Cringed. At a smile. What in the hell kind of piece of shit am I, that simply smiling at my daughter makes her jerk back reflexively? Anna came around the corner shortly after, and when I half-assed smiled at her - afraid of getting the same reaction - she beamed at me and nearly knocked me down with a hug. I just kept imagining Anna cringing at me too and, it was that moment I knew. I understood the insane amount of damage I had done to my own daughter. Her mother didn’t make her into the evil child I had dreaded or was made to fear by some of the guys.
No, I made her into a victim. I made her feel worthless. I made her cringe at smiles. She fled my presence as quickly as possible and thinking back, I realize that was the norm for her. I had taken for granted that she wasn’t in my space that often, and I finally had my eyes open wide enough to understand why. If she had turned into an evil child, it would have been justified and completely my own doing. But she didn’t, because she had you. My love and appreciation for you pales in comparison to what you’ve done for me. You took my daughter in and made her your own in spite of everything. I have you to thank for the beautiful girl that stood before me today, the one I scared away with a smile. Everything broken is on me. Everything beautiful, that was all your doing, baby.
I’m going to make this up to both of you. I don’t know how, but I’ll find a way. If she’ll even let me. I’m sorry I put it all on your shoulders. You’ve always been my partner, an equal, but in this, you carried me and that should have never happened. I love you, Lucy. I love our girl too. I’m so damn proud of her, and I don’t even have a right to feel that way.
One day, maybe I’ll be able to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. Do you think I can fix it in time? What if I can’t? How the hell did I leave it all so long? I know it’s not fair to ask you, but you’re the best at knowing how to fix things, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m telling you now, if it didn’t work, I’m well aware that it’s all on me.
I want to