of the false variety.
Chapter 9
Written Memories
Lucy
My beautiful Lucy,
I still can’t believe you’re gone, again. They managed to drive you away and I’m here holding my heart in my hands and the damned thing is bleeding out before my eyes. The things they did to me… it’s probably best I only have a foggy recollection thanks to the drugs they pumped me with. I wish you had waited around just a minute for someone to explain what happened. Can’t say that I blame you for your instant reaction though. It had to be heartbreaking to see me with someone else. I swear to you though, it wasn’t by choice, baby.
See, I had something planned for you that night. I had a kutte done up for you with my property patch and a ring…
I wanted you to be mine in every way, Luce. Kids. Dreaming of kids with you, and watching your body grow with a little person we made together, had become one of my driving forces. Hell, it was all I could think about. We were going to have a boy first so that he’d be the oldest and be able to protect the little sister we’d give him later. That would round out our perfect little biker family. Hell, if you want more, I’ll give you all the kids you want. We don’t have to stop at just two. I’d do anything just to see you happy and glowing and by my side forever.
I have dreams about holding your round tummy and in them, you’re so fucking beautiful. So, goddamn beautiful it makes my chest ache with wanting the dream to come true.
Now, you’re gone again. I can’t get anyone to tell me where you are, or how you’re doing. We told your dad what really happened, but something in my gut tells me he won’t inform you of any of it. Not sure he believed us, even with evidence from the hospital that I had been drugged.
Baby, I’m not even sure I believe in God, but I’ve been praying every night. I need him to send you back to me. When you get back, we’ll start that family. Our boy is going to be the happiest little man on the planet because he’ll have you for a mom. I just know it. He’s going to flourish with you, and hopefully he’ll learn a thing or two from his Pops too. We just need you to come back for us. It’s the only way he’ll get made. It's the only way our family will become what I always dreamed of. Please, baby, be angry at the situation, but then come home to me because I didn’t do anything. Shit was done to me. I’m trying to deal with what happened.
I won’t admit this to anyone else, but I feel dirty, filthy inside and out, like I can’t get clean. I used to joke and laugh about men who claimed they were… well, who claimed certain things happened to them. “You can’t rape the willing,” I used to say. You can destroy a man who is not willing when you take that from him though. I wake up in cold sweats and I reach for you, but you aren’t there and all I can think is that it’s my punishment for being unclean now.
Maybe, even if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t want me anymore because you’d see it. The filth that stains me. I try to scrub it away, I pray, I fucking shout down the town looking for where you may have gone. I torment the fuck out of your parents, but no one will answer me. Missing you is an ache I think might just do me in some days. Knowing you may never come back to me. God baby, it fucking kills me.
Please, come home. Our boy needs us. Our daughter needs us. The family I pictured with you was so close. I could fucking feel it in my guts. I can’t lose that. I can’t lose the promise of them, but I definitely can’t lose you, my love. You’re my only, Baby. The only woman to have my heart and the only who ever will, aside from our daughter one day. I’ll keep on loving you and waiting for you to come back, Luce. No matter how long it takes. I’ll be here.
Always yours,
CJ
I set the letters on my lap and just leaned my head back and closed my eyes for a moment. There were