raise her voice and say, Is this best? Is this wise? Are you sure you want to do this? This strict inner policing is something with which many people—especially women—continue to struggle. To overcome these kinds of thoughts, we need to evaluate why they’re so easy to fall victim to.
We know overthinking pulls our thoughts in unhelpful directions, as we pursue threads of worry, remorse, or regret. But we may not realize that overthinking also prevents us from welcoming good things into our lives. We cut ourselves off from life’s small pleasures, talking ourselves out of potentially good things and wasting a lot of mental energy in the process.
We suspect we’ll regret denying ourselves, yet we do it anyway. In one of her most popular newspaper columns, Erma Bombeck wrote that if she had her life to live over, she would “have eaten popcorn in the ‘good’ living room” and “have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted in storage.” She wrote those words in 1979, yet the piece continues to circulate and still resonates with women. We see ourselves in those words because we, too, want to enjoy the good things in life while we have the chance. And yet so many of us don’t.
When we stop overthinking, we can get out of our own way and bring more joy, peace, and love into our lives. Let’s take a look at some things you can do to invite good things into your life instead of overthinking your way out of them.
Resolve to Be Kind to Yourself
What was I trying to get out of those flowers, anyway? I didn’t need them; they were a grace note, not an essential. I was fully capable of getting by without them. Those flowers were nice because they were “extra,” yet extra is something I often talk myself out of.
What I tend to overlook is that buying flowers isn’t a frivolous, throwaway expenditure. They may not be strictly necessary, per se, but they do make a big difference in how I think and feel. Once I get them home, it makes me happy to see them on the kitchen counter all week long; it’s a little thing that has an outsized effect on my days. And it’s so easy to do.
Yet I often deny myself these little things, giving in to the inner critic who questions my small indulgences, precisely because they’re extra. Or I used to, until I learned to be kinder to myself and got a little more comfortable with the posture of abundance. When I say abundance, I don’t mean splurging on luxury goods or spending extravagantly on a regular basis. I’m talking about the little things we enjoy but don’t necessarily need.
Too many women confess to being experts at policing their own small treats, holding constant conversations with themselves. Should I do that? Is it really worth it? If we can’t bring ourselves to tell our inner critic yes (and also to please leave us alone), we’ll default to the status quo, which means we miss out on little bursts of happiness. Why do we do this to ourselves? When I blogged about this on Modern Mrs Darcy, readers told me they, too, struggled with indulging in small treats. Some confessed they had whole drawers full of good things—fine chocolate, French lotion, scented candles—that they’d been given but felt they shouldn’t use until a “special” occasion. Whatever the reason, we postpone or altogether skip small treats that bring us joy.
Sometimes we even feel guilty enjoying things we’re required to do. I have a friend whose job mandates she spend time reading and researching, two things she delights in. But she once told me this makes her feel guilty. Aren’t you supposed to be working? her inner critic asks. Should you really be enjoying this?
For goodness’ sake, she was doing her actual job and doing it well—and still overthinking it!
It doesn’t have to be this way. We can learn to treat ourselves gently, and with kindness. We can go from closely monitoring the efficiency of our every move to giving ourselves the grace to not be so darn efficient all the time, from having to continually justify our decisions to feeling released from needing to get everything perfect. We can give ourselves permission to enjoy something that exceeds the minimum we need to get by. We can appreciate the good things right in front of us without feeling guilty about them. We can trade a