expensive or logistically impossible, like when two friends got married in different cities the same weekend. But we do the best we can—and more often than not, we rearrange our schedules so we can see the people who matter to us. When it comes to showing up, we err on the side of being there.
Our Values Can Shape Where We Focus Our Attention and Energy
Our values can also influence what we choose to keep before our minds—what we think about, which books we choose to read, what kind of news we pay attention to, which issues we commit to caring about. For example, if you value being an informed citizen on the national and local levels, then we should see the evidence of it in your life. You could read community newsletters to keep up-to-date on local events, chat with your neighbors about local happenings, or subscribe to a newspaper you’ve come to trust and read it on a regular schedule. All these are ways to live out this value.
I’ve found it’s easier to live out my values when I keep them at the forefront of my attention, and one of my favorite ways to do this is by reading nonfiction. To keep my focus where I want it, I read about things that matter to me. This works because the clearer I am on my values, the easier it is for what I do to flow naturally out of who I am. I value being a present, compassionate parent, and when I’m reading a good book about relationships, like Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly, I’m attuned to the dynamics of my own. I value working hard on my craft, and when I’m reading a good writing book, like John McPhee’s Draft No. 4, I’m inspired to put my butt in my chair and write, even when I don’t feel like it. I value taking good care of my body, and when I’m reading about nutrition and exercise, I’m inspired to eat well and get moving.
Fact-Checking Our Values
Our lives should reflect who we are and what we care about. We may think we know what we value but find that those values don’t actually influence our decisions. This inconsistency makes it impossible for our decisions to flow naturally. We may say we value family, but we’re never home for dinner. We may say we care about charity work, but give it none of our time, money, or attention. I talk to plenty of people who say they believe reading is important and don’t have anything preventing them from doing so, but they don’t actually read. We may say one thing, but if we actually do another, then we don’t really value what we say we do.
To ensure our values align with our actual lives, we need to “fact-check” ourselves by asking, “What does my behavior indicate I value?” If you’re uncertain, recruit a friend to help you see your behavior with fresh eyes. If you don’t like what you see, it’s time to do some tweaking.
Case in point. My uncle used to smoke regularly. He considered himself a healthy person, except for this one habit. He thought about quitting for years. He was a physician, and his patients constantly gave him a hard time about being a smoker. He knew he should quit, of course, but he never took action. “Maybe one day,” he told himself.
Then “one day” arrived in a mundane way. He was running late, took the elevator to his floor, rushed down the hall to his office, and greeted his nurse.
“Good morning,” she said. “I was so relieved to hear you coming.”
Puzzled, he asked, “How did you know it was me?”
Now she was puzzled; she’d thought the answer was obvious. “We always know when you get off the elevator,” she explained. “We can hear your cough all the way down the hall.”
My uncle had always thought of himself as a healthy person and was stunned to realize that his own staff perceived him to be unhealthy. This realization brought instant clarity, and he knew one of those pictures had to change. After years of thinking about it, he quit cold turkey. I’ve heard quitting smoking is tough, but my uncle’s journey was made much easier by one key thing: he wanted to be a person who lived a healthy lifestyle. Once his eyes were opened, he couldn’t remain a smoker, because smoking conflicted with that value.
Like my uncle (accidentally) did, you can purposefully check your behavior against your