Now that I was about to be out of work again, the chittering got even louder, throwing my thoughts sideways if I ever started to relax.
Every time I thought of Coach, it got worse. Sometimes until I felt on the verge of free fall. But I didn’t want to forget him either. Rio had helped me disappear the Rosales’ minivan and all its contents, and in the end I’d stood out in the desert tending a chemically heightened pyre, the lone mourner at the funeral that deleted him from the world.
I wondered if he’d had any family. I couldn’t remember if it was something I’d ever known.
I could try asking Simon. I doubted he’d tell me, even if he had the answers.
Coach had joined Simon in my dreams now. Their faces snapped clear even where others were a blurred mass. Simon and Coach, and also Eva Teplova, young and brash with her too-intelligent scalpels. Sometimes, they slipped and slid into my waking reality as well, imaginary friends who’d forgotten to stay in their place.
“Hopefully I won’t collapse in the gutter again,” I said to Pilar, only half-jokingly. She and I were cleaning up Arthur’s office, which had just been cleared by the police. Pilar was still on crutches, but she’d taken on the herculean task of putting all the filing to rights. Meanwhile, I was keeping her company by installing and restocking a new gun safe, which was definitely the easier half of the work.
“You could stay with me,” Pilar said absently.
“What?”
Her head came up from the folder she was buried in, sweaty hair falling across her eyes. “Just, you know. In case. Arthur and Checker don’t have guest rooms, but my roommate just moved back home, so I’ve got the space if you want.” When I didn’t say anything, she added, “It’s up to you, but I won’t hover, I promise.”
It was mildly appealing to think that if I blacked out again before Simon was back on his feet, someone would find me.
“I come with a lot of alcohol and guns,” I said. “That okay?”
“As long as you don’t get me arrested.”
“I promise,” I said. “I’m really good at bribing cops.”
She rolled her eyes.
I almost cracked a joke about her own good aim, then, but a thought gave me pause. “Hey,” I said instead. “Are you good? Fifer was the first time you…”
She put down the file she was working on. “You’re asking if I’m okay? No. Probably not. I don’t know.” She let out the smallest edge of a hysterical laugh. “I think I’m still in shock about it. I feel like I should find a good therapist, but I don’t know how to talk about it without getting thrown in prison. So.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’d recommend mine, but I heard he did something inappropriate to a previous patient.”
That got a slightly more genuine laugh out of her. But then she sobered. “Cas, I’ve been meaning to … I shot you.” She met my eyes, and hers were large and troubled. “I could have killed you.”
“But you didn’t,” I said.
“I wasn’t afraid. I knew there was a chance, a bad chance, but I saw that the shot was there, and—I wasn’t afraid I was wrong.”
“You weren’t wrong,” I said.
“That’s … there’s something really disturbing about that.”
“That you weren’t afraid?”
“That I did everything wrong, and it was right.”
* * *
PILAR WASN’T the only one feeling raw about the fallout. I was over at Checker’s tying up some more loose ends when D.J. dropped in so we could see him off. He’d messaged after our sweep of the mansion to proclaim zealously that he’d taken care of cleaning off the bridge for us too, but that was the last we’d heard from him.
From the slack expression on Checker’s face when D.J. burst into the Hole, I could tell he hadn’t been expecting it. Probably hadn’t ever expected to see D.J. again.
“Don’t forget, Little Miss Logic Fingers,” D.J. said, waving at me. “We had a deal, right? You’re gonna come give me some sweet-ass tech.”
“We have a deal,” I confirmed. “I’ll come hold up my end. Once things get settled here.” And once Simon got my brain oiled so it didn’t keep trying to stutter off the rails. At least temporarily.
“Oh, goody!” D.J. gave me a double thumbs-up. “By the by, you seem like a trustworthy sort, but if you stiff me on this, I will leave presents for all your friends. Except Charles.” He reached over and poked Checker in