says it’s too dangerous. That we need our fear. Without it, we might do something stupid and die.”
I felt Simon’s mental irritation at my description.
But Pilar nodded slowly. “I see. With our fear, though … would we have any chance at all? Against those things?” She swallowed. “I don’t—I don’t ever want to go through that again, Cas.”
I didn’t either.
“He can reverse it, right?” she asked.
Bad. Idea, Simon thought at me again, but I got the confirmation.
“Yes, he can reverse it,” I said to Pilar.
“Then, uh, is there any other—do we have a better choice?”
Let me think … pleaded Simon.
We could always shoot ourselves up with PCP, I said to him. Wouldn’t be afraid of anything then either, and slightly more damaging to the brain.
From his mental reaction, Simon could clearly tell that was the actual Plan B. I caught a wash of exasperation and anger.
It’s one or the other, I informed him. This is what we’ve got.
I looked at him. He looked at me.
“It’s the best option, isn’t it?” I said aloud.
The ghost of a growl from him. I snapped at him before I could stop myself: This isn’t something I want either, you know—letting you in my head. She’s sixteen, Simon.
He could be annoyed with me all he wanted. We both had to put Tabitha first.
Simon’s thoughts sighed at me, and I got a resigned feeling of acquiescence.
“What do we do?” Pilar asked.
Cas. You first.
I followed Simon’s mental directions to scoot my chair closer and lean forward. My wariness spiked, as it always did when I was around him, when I was about to allow him access to my mind. It was an irrational fear—Simon was powerful enough for me not even to know he was affecting me. But I couldn’t shake it.
Until now, I supposed. After this, I wouldn’t be afraid of anything.
Simon’s fingers closed around my hand. Focus on me, he directed in my head. Focus on me …
I did. His eyes were fever-bright. They fastened on mine, held me close like they were my one safe harbor in the universe.
Relax. The order intoned through me. Relax. You’re not afraid.
“I’m not afraid,” I whispered.
My mental landscape flattened, expanded, wavered into a trancelike state.
I can do anything, I thought. I’m not afraid.
You’re not afraid.
I’m not afraid …
Worry, concern, apprehension, fear—they one and all receded and washed away from me, as if I were rising out of a lake and shedding streams of emotion behind me, forgotten.
I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid. I am powerful.
I can do anything, and win.
I caught Simon’s quick, sharp spike of apprehension. Not about me—toward me.
I blinked and sat up. “Wait, seriously? I’m not going to try to become a world dictator.”
In fact, I felt mostly the same. Maybe slightly more narcissistic. But Pilar shot me a quick, slightly nervous glance too, and stepped back from where she’d been leaning on my chair again.
“Oh, come on,” I said. “You two really think it was fear that kept me from going on a rampage?”
Pilar opened her mouth and then shut it again. “I think I should ask you to do me now before Cas scares the daylights out of me,” she said to Simon.
I stood so she could take my place at his bedside. “I can’t tell if you’re joking.”
“Me neither.” She sat.
The process took a lot longer than it felt like it had with me—and I usually had a good sense of time. Ordinarily the discrepancy would have made me squirrelly, but now I shrugged and acknowledged it as fact. Pilar went tense for a few minutes and then began to sway slightly; when she stilled and blinked her eyes, she seemed to come back to herself.
“Are we done?” she asked.
I didn’t hear Simon’s assent, but he must have told her yes mentally with a twitch or a glance. Pilar stood.
“I’m ready,” she said. She was a lot more relaxed than she’d been a few minutes ago. Her eyes were clear.
“So you are,” I said.
Be careful, I thought I heard from Simon, but it was mixed with so much regret and fatalism that I couldn’t be sure of the meaning.
We’d walk straight through the dogs, and if Fifer threw anything else at us, well, we’d handle that too. Including her. PCP fucks you up, Checker had said, and he was right—even odds Fifer was going to be going into this standoff hopped up and reckless.
Thanks to Simon, we’d be able to be just as reckless. Hopefully, it would be enough.
thirty-seven
I LEFT the