the time second period begins.
“What don’t you understand?” I try to keep the bite out of my voice, but it’s fucking hard. I don’t like being yelled at, especially when I don’t know the reasoning behind it. Did I do something to piss her off?
“Those guys!” She jabs a finger into my chest, red splotches erupting on her cheeks with each word she says. “Karsyn, Cassian, Lucas, and Elias. They bullied you, Peony. They made you want to fucking die! How can you just sit there and chat with them like best friends? How can you go on a date with one of them? How can you fucking forgive them?!”
The fight drains out of me instantly, the anger easing. I feel hollow and exhausted, and somehow, that’s even worse. She didn’t just reach into my chest and grab my heart. She grabbed all of my organs, leaving me as nothing but an empty shell.
Mariabella sags too. Now that she’s said all that she wanted to say, her shoulders deflate like a balloon full of helium being popped. She squeezes her eyelids shut tightly, wrinkles forming on her face.
“I didn’t mean it…”
“You did,” I whisper. “You did…and I understand.” There’s a lump in my throat, one that I desperately try to swallow around. Still, it feels as if it’s clogging my airways, making something as simple as breathing impossible. “I know what it looks like—”
“It looks like you ditched me for Cassian this morning and then went on a date with Lucas after the football game. A date that you lied about, by the way,” she snaps, some of her original ire returning. “I broke up with Karsyn for you! Because in my mind, what he did to you was unforgivable. I just don’t understand how you can forgive them!”
“I don’t,” I say firmly, grabbing her hand and squeezing it in both of mine. “I want them to pay for the things they did to me. I’m so fucking furious, and not just at them, but at myself. I feel weak, Mariabella. Every time I smile at them. Every time I laugh at their shitty jokes. Every time a sliver of me forgives them. Because I know I shouldn’t. I know the things that they put me through are inexcusable. These guys are twisted, but a part of me thinks that the answer to my pain is more darkness. More of them. It’s fucked up, I know. But let me make one thing clear—I’ll never forgive them for what they did to me. I hate them.”
But do you? Do you really? an annoyingly chipper voice contradicts in my head. I can just picture mental me smiling smugly. Is that really hate you feel for them? You can see that they changed and maybe even care for you now. How many apologies do you need, you selfish bitch?
An angel and a demon sit on my shoulders, but both of them tell me the exact same thing—enact revenge on the Devils and then get the fuck out of there.
“I shouldn’t have to be pissed on your behalf.” Mariabella’s voice is nearly inaudible, the barest breath of sound. “But I am, and it makes me furious that you forgave them so easily.”
“I haven’t forgiven them!” I snap back. “And I didn’t ask for you to do anything on my behalf! They bullied me, not you. Get off your high horse, Mari. If you don’t like the way I handle things, then stay the fuck away.”
I regret the words as soon as I say them. I wish I could scoop them back in my mouth and swallow them down, never letting them see the light of day again. That feeling only intensifies when Mariabella blanches, features twisting with hurt.
“If that’s what you want,” she replies stiffly.
“No, Mariabella—”
But she’s already turned on her heel and stormed away. My blood simmers in my veins as I stare at her retreating back, guilt and agony tangoing in my stomach. I think…
I think I may have lost my only friend in this fucked-up place.
And I know that it’s my fault.
Chapter 33
I still haven’t mended things with Mariabella by the times lunch rolls around. I search our usual table eagerly, only to see it empty. Normally, Mariabella would’ve already been sitting and waiting for me, a wide, beatific smile on her elfin face. I scan the room with a heavy heart—a heart that feels to be growing in a rapidly shrinking vise—only to find her sitting across the cafeteria with