I die?”
“Again, you’re not dying.” The fucker is persistent, or I can’t believe him for shit. There’s a reason I’m here. Carter looks at me and says something that almost makes me shiver—if I could feel. “Hayes is thinking, ‘Carter, find Beac and make sure he’s fine. We can’t lose him.’ Just the way he used to do when you were little.”
“Is that laying out the work before I see the light and shit?”
He shakes his head. “You still have a lot to do. Grace is waiting for you. You still have a long life with her, your children, and music. You heard the guys. They can’t lose another brother.”
“We miss you. I wish—”
“It was my time to leave. I don’t have any regrets. Life is about living it—it’s that simple. Don’t complicate it with useless shit. Tell our brothers I said that.” He pats my shoulder.
“They’re not going to believe me that I talked to you.”
“Probably not,” he confirms, looking at the horizon. “Henry will insist that it was a dream or whatever drug they gave you for the pain. Hayes is going to go all scientific on you and explain to you how your mind retreats into a place where it feels safe. Pierce will try to believe you, but he’ll have his doubts. After all, you lied to him for almost a year. Mills is going to say, ‘I hope you said hi to him.’ Vance might grunt, or he might tell you that yeah, he’s seen me a time or two.”
“Have you seen him?”
He nods. “He’s had his brushes with the afterlife too.”
“Blaire?”
“She’ll smile, look up and say, ‘Thank you for watching over the kid.’”
“Were you in love with her?
“Nope. I loved her, but not that way. She’s always going to be the person who saved me from a miserable ending.”
“I wish you could come back with me.” I pat his leg.
“Again, I’m with you when you need me. Plus, someone has to keep company with the old man.”
“He’s not in hell?” I ask, confused, surprised, and I even look around to see if I catch him.
“Who told you I’m in heaven?”
“I just—”
He chuckles. “The guy was human. A man who fucked up a lot. He didn’t know how to say fuck it, it’s my life. Just dig deeper. You might find some answers.”
“What he did—”
“He’s insane. I’m not excusing him, but it wasn’t only him. The adults who were in charge of us made a lot of mistakes. We paid the price. Our father died, regretting his life.”
“You forgave him after what happened when you were dying?”
He closes his eyes and nods. “In a way, he loved Mom enough to try to save her son. I let it go, and maybe you guys should let it go too. Forgive him.”
“So, your mom was the love of his life?”
He laughs.
“What did I say that’s funny?”
“I feel like I’m in the middle of a tactical interrogation.” He snorts. “You surprised the fuck out of everyone. It’s cool. You do you. Well, stop doing this double life shit.”
“I can’t. G won’t quit this life.”
“Her guy almost died. I’m sure she’ll do anything to ensure that you stick around longer. Your bandmates are there because they are loyal to you and Grace. But have you ever asked if they are happy doing it?”
I shake my head. If I get out of this one, I have to talk to them about it.
“It was cool when you were eighteen. Now, it might be time to retire.”
More like back then, it made sense to become a part of The Organization. I was good at it; G was going to be a part of it. The guys were going to be my team.
“I was great at football, and you didn’t see me joining the college team.”
“It’s not the only thing I do. Maybe I can change the way I do everything?”
“Just remember when you questioned if this was your future. There’s always an expiration date for some jobs. This might be yours, and today could be a big sign that all of you have to rethink your priorities. Music is your first love.”
“No, it’s Grace.”
“Grace is music, so it’s all the same,” he responds.
“You sound like a wise big brother I wish was still around.”
“There’s no do-over for me.” He gives me a sad smile. “There’s a second chance for you. It’s going to be fucking hard, but I trust you’ll do it without being an asshole.”
“This is it when I see the