Yul spoke through gritted teeth, his words bouncing against the stark white walls.
Soo-Ja lowered her head and wished the floor would turn into water, so she could dive and swim to the bottom of the sea. “Don’t go,” she whispered.
“I don’t think I heard you right,” said Yul, staring at the top of her head.
After a few seconds, Soo-Ja lifted her head up. Her eyes were welling up with tears as she met Yul’s gaze. She could barely mouth the words—Sarang-hae—but it was a beginning. She repeated them again, amazed that after so long, she was finally free to direct those words—I love you—to him.
“What did you say?” asked Yul, his breathing growing shallow.
“I said, don’t go to Pusan. There’s nothing for you there.”
Yul swallowed, his hands trembling slightly. “What are you trying to do, Soo-Ja?”
“I’m trying to keep you from slipping away from me. I could not survive that, Yul,” said Soo-Ja, her voice scratchy and flickering.
Soo-Ja reached for Yul and rested her fingers on his arms. She could feel the electric charge running through his body. She knew his heart would be beating as fast as hers.
“I have made so many mistakes in my life,” said Soo-Ja, fighting the pain pushing against her chest. “But my biggest mistake was that I gave you up too many times, and I won’t do that again.” Her shoulders began to rise and fall, and her eyes flooded with tears. “If you want me, that is. God knows I’ve hurt you enough. God knows it would be simpler for you to be with someone else.”
“Of course I still want you. I know I said some horrible things to you the last time I saw you, but I didn’t mean them.”
“So don’t go then. Don’t go,” said Soo-Ja, the urgency burning in her tongue. Soo-Ja glanced at his face; it looked older than the last time she’d seen him, and the lines around his eyes evoked in her a feeling of tenderness.
“What about the patients who have already made appointments?”
“They can find another doctor. They can wait.”
“Where has this resolve come from?” asked Yul tenderly, leaning forward toward her.
“It has come from living half my life without being able to touch your face,” said Soo-Ja, as she held her hand up and gently brushed his cheek with the back of her hand. Yul closed his eyes and moved his head, so his lips could meet her hand.
Soo-Ja angled to the side and leaned forward, so that their knees were touching. Yul reached for her, and Soo-Ja let him rest his hands over hers. She could feel him try to find the hole in her heart, try to heal it. The kiss, when it came, happened blindly, without forethought. He pressed his lips against her mouth, his tongue gently tapping hers.
As they kissed, Yul’s body moved closer to her, and the room seemed to grow quieter. Soo-Ja felt Yul wrap himself around her, until she wore him like a favorite coat. After a while, they let go of each other’s lips and held each other without speaking. Soo-Ja could feel the vibration traveling back and forth between them. She reached for his neck, which felt warm and naked against her hand.
“Why didn’t you just say yes to me all those years ago, when I first asked you to marry me?” said Yul.
“I was young. I was a fool,” said Soo-Ja, holding him tightly. “Forgive me.”
Yul placed his head on her shoulder, and Soo-Ja did the same to his. He could be a baby, asleep on her shoulder, a newborn with a soft cranium and the promise of speech. Silent tears traveled down her cheeks. Soo-Ja let out a long, slow breath.
“I won’t go,” said Yul. “I won’t go to Pusan.”
Soo-Ja closed her eyes. She had made so many mistakes in her life, but in that moment, she forgave herself for them. She forgave her past, with all its bumps and imperfections, and let it go, pouring it into some beautiful gilt-edged box, wrapped with cellophane. The life she had was in fact the one she’d been supposed to have, she told herself. Without its lessons, how could she have become the woman she was?
When Soo-Ja finally came outside, Hana saw the tearful look on her mother’s face, and she immediately reached for her. They were in the middle of a busy street, and arms and elbows brushed against them. They could barely hear each other above the din of cars rushing by on the