no idea why people talk about a pregnancy glow. I look like a ghost. Other than that, there’s not much difference. It’s strange to keep this secret inside of me. I’m the only one who knows. Well, myself, and the nice ladies at the clinic down the street. There’s no one to tell. No one I want to know. Not even my best friend, and I’m not certain why. Except that I know what she’ll say. It’s what my family would say.
I should get rid of it.
It’s going to ruin my life.
I can’t do this alone.
I don’t need them to say it. I already know all those things. I think about it all day every day. But even though it’s crazy, despite everything, this baby is the last piece I have of Sterling. That’s the part I really don’t want to explain. I shouldn’t want even a piece of him. Not after what he did. Not after he left. The trouble is that I’m still in love with him. I think maybe I’ll always be in love with him.
And that makes it impossible for me to not love this baby. I pat my belly, lowering my voice to a whisper, “Do you think you could take it easy on me for a few days?”
I rinse my mouth with some mouthwash I’ve stashed under the sink and decide I can’t avoid my guests any longer.
When I return to the kitchen, Poppy’s dark head is bowed close to Cyrus, and they’re whispering. Panic surges through me. Had they guessed? Was it my herbal tea? Or did they hear me vomiting? Maybe it’s just obvious. I don’t think I have the so-called pregnancy glow, but maybe others can see it. But then she giggles. I don’t think they’d be laughing over me being knocked up. When she lifts her head, a sheepish smile tugs at her lips.
“I was just going to come and check on you,” she says, moving away from Cyrus to come fawn over me. “Do you want to lie down? You look pale.”
“I’m fine,” I say. The sooner I get this visit over with, the better. “I’ve just been staying up too late.”
“It’s summer.” Poppy throws her hands in the air. “You aren’t supposed to be studying or doing coursework. That’s it. You’re going with us to the country this weekend. You need a break.”
“But—” I begin.
She holds up a slender finger. “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts—”
“Yeah, yeah,” I cut her off. “Fine. When are we leaving?”
Her answering smile is so wide, I almost feel excited. “We’ll drive down on Friday morning.”
“Drive? Who’s driving?” I repeat. There’s no way my stomach can handle Poppy behind the wheel.”
“I’ll drive,” Cyrus says firmly. “It’s the safest option.”
“You make me sound like a terrible driver.” She pouts, moving to drop into his lap.
So much for them keeping the PDAs to a minimum. “You are a terrible driver.”
“Enough about me. I want to hear about you. Are there any cute guys in your program?” Her eyes glint like a star twinkling in the night sky.
“I’m taking a break from dating.” Forever, I add silently.
“Don’t let him win,” she advises me.
“I don’t think he cares,” I say flatly, wishing we could stay on the subject of my study abroad program, even if it's fake. I’d still rather make shit up than talk about Sterling.
“Then he’s an idiot for letting you get away,” Poppy says firmly. She elbows Cyrus.
“Agreed. He’s a dick,” he says. I wonder if she prepped him on what to say when the subject came up.
“He’s history,” I say, wondering if it sounds as hollow as it feels to say it. “Are you hungry?”
A change of subject is in order and now that my stomach has settled, I’m reminded of how empty it is.
“Famished.” Cyrus winks behind Poppy’s shoulder. “What sounds good? Let’s go out.”
“My body doesn’t know if it’s breakfast time or lunch or dinner,” Poppy says.
“Lunch time,” I decide for her, feeling a sudden urge for curry at the place around the corner. Suddenly, I’m starving. I dump my tea in the sink and grab my purse. “I know where to go.”
Poppy studies me for a minute like I’m a stranger before she nods. “Lead the way.”
I’m too hungry to wonder what she’s looking for, but I can’t help but worry that my best friend knows me too well to keep my secret for long. But I’m not ready to share my secret yet. For now, the baby’s