truths of my past.
When the news came out—or I should say, when Demon—who walked in on us while my tongue was down Jax’s throat, decided it was his civic fuckin’ duty to inform everyone of my sexual orientation, my brothers accepted me with open arms, as have their women.
Still, besides innocent and mostly hidden kisses and flirting at work, I keep our relationship as private as humanly possible. I’m sure you’re wondering, Why the hell would you do that, Maddox? They said they accept you, isn’t that enough? Well, yeah, and that’s great. I’m thankful for that every day, but there’s a difference between knowing your buddy likes dick, and having it thrust in your face. (No pun intended) Knowing and seeing are two different things, and I don’t think I could take the hit of seeing even the slightest hint of disgust on my brothers’ faces if they saw me be one hundred percent open with Jax.
I turn away from the wounded look in his eyes that I’ve become all too familiar with. “What do you want me to say, Jax? That I’ll come around more? Fine. I’ll come around more.”
“Well thanks, you sure know how to make a man feel like he’s number fuckin’ one on your priority list,” he spits and walks out of the kitchen.
I follow after him, hell bent on meeting his ire word for word, but all those stupid, fucked up words die on my lips when I find him sitting on his couch, head dropped forward into his hands.
This is because of me. I did this to him.
When he raises his head, his eyes are bloodshot and swollen from the tears he’s trying to keep at bay.
“I can’t do this anymore, Maddox,” he whispers, sounding every bit as broken as he looks.
I don’t speak because my blood has frozen in my veins. Fuck no. Tell me this isn’t fucking happening.
“It’s like we’re on a fuckin’ merry-go-round. We go round and round until you’re ready to get off, but I’m always left there, Maddox. The ride never ends for me.” Tears run freely down his face, and my own tears are threatening to show as my nose begins to burn.
“Jax—” I start, but he cuts me off with a shake of his head.
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve heard it a thousand times and unless I walk away now, I’ll hear it a thousand more.”
“Walk away?” I choke on the words as I close the distance between us and drop to my knees between his spread thighs. My eyes close as my body remembers being here a hundred times before. Only then, there were no words of leaving and goodbyes. Just sighs and moans pulled from a place so deep within our bodies I could feel the love from just a sound.
“Don’t do this,” I beg.
“I have to, Maddox.” He lifts his work roughened hand that’s always touched me as if I was a blank canvas, he the artist, and his hands the brush, always turning me into something beautiful. Painting me into a new beginning with each gentle stroke. When I ultimately destroy his masterpiece, he merely picks up the brush and stars over. His hand never falters, his grip always steady.
“I love you,” he breathes, “But you’re killing me, Maddox. A piece of me goes with you every time you leave, and there’s not much left for you to take.” The words leave his body on a broken heave as if they’re being ripped from his soul.
I understand. I feel like mine is being ripped from me as well. Irrational anger takes the place of my pain and I throw it all on him.
“Why are you doing this to us? Because I need a break every now and then? Big fuckin’ deal, Jax,” I throw at him, itching for a fight.
But Jax doesn’t take the bait. He knows exactly what I’m doing, and I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m convinced the man knows me better than I know myself.
“It’s more than needing to take a drive to the store to cool off, Maddox. You feel yourself getting too close and you’re gone in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it’s months before I see you again, and we start the ride all over.”
I hate the truth in his words. I hate that despite what I say, I know this is all on me. And I hate most of all that I can’t fucking change it.
“I thought I could fix it for