through the candidate process with NASA!
And he’s getting close. Crazy, like he’s already had two in-person interviews with NASA, close.
Claire: Relax, friend. The guy was a total prick. Luke set him straight verbally, and that’s all that happened. No need to worry over it.
Desi: Plus, it’s not like you asked Luke to kick the guy’s ass. LOL. Pretty sure you were far too blitzed to put in that request. His decision to intervene was all his. Now, Fantana song requests to the DJ? We can definitely blame you for those.
Me: Is there anything else I missed while I was blackout drunk?
Desi: Let’s see…you asked a guy dressed up as Batman if he wanted to be your holiday boyfriend. He said yes, but then you took back the offer when you realized you prefer Marvel over Justice League. You bitched A LOT about going to your high school reunion.
Claire: And planning your high school reunion.
Desi: Oh yeah, that too. LOL. You almost called that chick Callie Camden to tell her she’s a total bitch, which I kind of wanted to see happen. But Claire thought it was a bad idea, so we stopped you from doing it. Am I missing anything, Claire?
Claire: And once you updated us on the whole “Find a Boyfriend” mission, we decided that online dating is the best route for your search.
Oh my God. That’s not happening.
Me: I’m not online dating.
Claire: That’s exactly what you said last night, but then we helped you realize it was your best option.
Desi: Yep. Otherwise, you’re going to end up in a relationship with someone like Tad.
Tad is the copy/mail guy at Claire and Desi’s office—a small marketing firm in Manhattan.
His attire consists of tie-dye, and his days off revolve around his bong.
Bottom line, I cannot bring Tad home to Vermont. Rose Lucie would probably have a stroke. Although, Aunt Poppy would get a pretty good laugh out of it…
Me: Online dating? Seriously? You guys act like my situation is dire or something.
Desi: Well, if you’re planning on going through with the whole “I’m not single” charade, you have less than two months to find yourself a boyfriend.
Claire: That isn’t a lot of time.
Me: Wow. You guys really know how to make a girl feel good.
Claire: You should be thankful your friends are willing to be honest with you.
Me: Blatantly honest. Bluntly honest. Cutthroat honesty. Oh yes, I’m forever grateful. Just thanking my lucky stars right now.
Desi: Would you like the silver lining?
Me: If it doesn’t involve Craigslist or banging Tad the copy guy, I’m all ears.
Desi: Everyone online dates these days.
Me: Do you?
Desi: God no.
Claire: LOL. You’re not helping, Des.
Desi: Ava and I are different. I would eat online guys alive, okay?
Claire: Okay, that IS true. It could be good for you, Ava.
Oh yeah, I’m sure my soul mate is out there right now, sitting behind his laptop with Cheetos-stained fingers and a beer belly, just waiting for my profile picture to appear on his dating app.
Son of a buttered bitch.
Me: Okay, I’m done talking about this. I’ll talk to you guys later.
Once I force down two pieces of toast and pour myself a fresh cup of coffee, I check on Teddy 12, my green fern that has surprisingly managed to live for two years straight. Considering there were eleven Teddys before him and I forget to water him a lot, it’s a miracle. I swear, he’s like the Incredible Hulk of plants or something.
“Way to go, buddy,” I whisper to him. “Keep on keepin’ on.”
Lazy Sunday morning engaged, I snag my laptop off my desk and get cozy on my sofa.
Unfortunately for me, when I pull up my Google inbox to see if there are any updates about the art installation being placed in the South Wing of the Met, I come face-to-face with not one, not two, but three flipping emails from Callie Camden-Baccus.
First email? To tell me that I’ll be in charge of name tags and balloons.
Second email? To let me know that since she is an expert in décor and apparently went to some kind of design class, I won’t be the one handling the balloons. She’ll do that. Instead, I’ll be in charge of the cake and desserts.
And, last but certainly not least, the third message provides me with questions about my and my boyfriend’s food allergies and a Callie-approved list of bakeries where I can order the desserts. And it should be noted that Lakewood has exactly two bakeries, both of which are on