“What’s wrong?”
He raises his stare to meet mine. His eyes are haunted and pained. I’m not sure how I know what he’s about to say, but somehow, I do. The deepest parts of my soul shatter because I know that he’s gone.
I drop my purse, and my hands cover my heart.
“No.” I shake my head.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.
“No,” I say louder. “No,” I cry as tears start to fall from my eyes.
“I got a call from one of the guys Leo used to run with back before you. He said Leo used today, and it must’ve been a bad batch or something. He doesn’t know, but I wanted to tell you before the cops arrived. I didn’t want you to find out that way,” he sobs.
“No!” I scream. “It’s not true. It wasn’t Leo! You’re mistaken.” My back heaves with sobs, and the room starts spinning.
What is happening? It doesn’t make sense. This isn’t right.
“I’m so sorry, Alma. I wish it weren’t true, but it is. Leo’s gone.”
“No,” I choke out. “No,” I beg, praying this reality isn’t real.
It can’t be. There has to be a mistake.
“Ethan?” I plead, hoping against all odds that he’s wrong.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeats.
“No,” I gasp and drop to my knees. My face falls, and my entire body mourns.
An eternity passes in the space of a few desperate sobs. In that fraction of time, I die a hundred times over. The pain is so intense that every cell in my body aches. A despair this deep could only be healed by one person, and he’s the one who caused it.
Nothing adds up. We were happy. He was happy. Our life was fulfilling. Why would he do this to us? To me? He promised me forever, and I counted on it because I can’t live this life without him.
Arms pull me from the ground, and I swat them away. I just want to lie on this floor and die. I can’t do this.
“Come on,” Ethan urges, his arms propped under mine. “They’re here.”
Two uniformed police officers stand at my door, telling me what I already know but can’t believe. Words fail me. Shock is my new home.
Ethan says something to the officers and then closes the door.
“What can I do? How can I help?” he asks.
“Leo’s family,” I mutter before staggering down the hall.
“Okay, I’ll tell them.” He follows behind me.
“Anyone who matters, please,” I request.
People who love Leo should know, but I’m not strong enough to tell them.
“I can do that,” he says.
I kick off my shoes and stumble into bed, tears soaking the pillow immediately.
“Are you going to be okay?” Worry saturates Ethan’s words.
“No, but you can go. I need to be alone.”
I’m not okay. I’m never going to be okay. My mind, body, and soul are shattering into a million pieces, but I need to break alone.
“I’ll go. Please call me if you need anything. I’m so sorry, Alma. Truly, I am,” Ethan says before he’s gone.
I’m not sure how to mourn a loss this devastating.
How do I live in a world where Leo doesn’t? How do I breathe when he isn’t?
I don’t know how I’ll ever get past this, and maybe I won’t. Some heartbreaks are fatal. Our love was all-encompassing, and now that it’s gone, it might take me with it. Maybe I’ll let it because I’m not strong enough to fight without it, and even if I were, I don’t want to.
FIFTY
Alma
Lying on my side, the soft white comforter wrapped around me, I stare at a spot on the wall beside my bed. It’s a small black dot, almost like an ink stain from a ballpoint pen. I can’t recall seeing it before, and I don’t know how it got there.
I remember when Leo surprised me with these painted walls. I had spent a rare day with my parents and come home to him painting our bedroom. The light blue, almost gray, made me so happy. Such a calming color. Perfect for this space. Soft, welcoming, soothing, and romantic.
The dark blemish bothers me. It needs to be fixed, but I don’t know if Leo had any leftover paint. If I try to color-match the paint and the shade is off, it will ruin the wall that Leo gifted me. I’m not sure I can risk it, but imperfection grates on me. He made it perfect for me, and now, it’s not.
The alarm on my cell phone sounds, and I reach toward the nightstand, snatch it up, and turn the