guilt. I can’t find pleasure without being shoved into the clutches of pain.
Those who say physical pain is the worst have never experienced being tortured by their own brain.
They’ve never sat down and felt disgusted with themselves for wanting someone they shouldn’t.
“Fuck.” I rise to my feet and throw a sheet over Reina’s naked body before exiting the room.
I can’t stay with her or my brain will eat me alive. It’ll feast on my thoughts and leave me a fucking cripple.
For the past week, I thought if I never really fucked her, if I only played around with her, I’d be safe from these dark thoughts.
Turns out, it was useless.
The longer I stayed away, the harder I wanted her, the faster I needed to touch her.
That’s how disasters start. First, it’s a want, then it becomes determination, and then she challenges me and all I can do is fuck her like an animal. Then like a goddamn lover. Then like she’s my slut.
I run a hand through my hair as I toss the towel in the bin.
My phone vibrates on the kitchen counter and I pick it up without checking the name. I need a distraction like I need air.
“Hey, fucker.”
An inward groan slips from me as I recognize the British accent and the voice associated with it. I should’ve checked the name. Aiden King is the last person I need with my current mood.
“Isn’t it two in the morning or something in England?” I pace to the balcony, not bothering to put on any clothes. The building across the way is welcome to enjoy the show.
“And?” He sounds bored.
“Sleep, motherfucker—have you heard of it?”
“Sleeping is for neurotypical people.”
I should’ve known he would say something like that. The thing about Aiden is he’s proud of what he is, of who he is. He knows he’s not normal emotion-wise but he embraces it—just like I did after Ari’s death. That’s why we became sort of friends when I used to study at Oxford. We like the clash of power, the freedom to do whatever we fucking please while sheep follow orders.
“Are you returning any time soon?”
“Why?” I grin. “Miss me?”
“I miss beating you in debates.”
“Fuck you. I’m the one who beats your and Cole’s asses.”
“That’s a lie and you know it.”
“Is there a point to your call?” I shake my head. “Shouldn’t you be cuddling with Elsa and making babies?”
“Don’t ever mention my wife’s name and making babies in the same sentence or I’ll fucking kill you. Deal? Deal.”
I shake my head. The asshole is so possessive of his wife, and I always wondered how she took his attitude. Then I returned to Blackwood and realized I’m no different than him.
“Elsa once said she fought you, hard.” I flop on the chair in the balcony and cross my legs at the ankles. “How did you overcome that?”
Not that Reina is fighting me right now, but I feel like she’ll go back to doing that soon. Every day, I wake up and hold my breath, waiting for the moment she walks out of her room, thinking she’ll be the same old cold person.
“Simple,” he says. “I didn’t give her a choice, especially at the beginning. The more she ran, the faster I chased. The deeper she hid, the harder I conquered.”
“What if, after you chase and conquer, she still doesn’t want you?”
“Then you’re not doing it the right way. Tie her to you and make her see you. If she doesn’t like what she sees, make her like it.”
“What if she never does?”
“Then you’re a fucking loser and probably never deserved her in the first place.” He pauses. “As much fun as it’s been talking to you, I’m going back to my wife. She’s been asking about you, and this is a friendly reminder not to call her. If you do, I’m flying there and cutting out your tongue.”
The line goes dead.
Dick.
I’m surprised Elsa asked about me in the first place. She doesn’t like me that much, always saying Aiden doesn’t need any more deranged friends.
I throw my head back, mulling his words over. It’s an interesting angle, the one about never deserving her.
Has that been the trick all along?
I lift my head and stare at the stars. In the blackness of the night, there are a few, but I can almost see a boy and a girl holding each other’s hands and grieving together in silence.
Then that image is shattered with no way to be repaired.
Deciding I’ve given the neighboring building