interesting that it had never occurred to him to explain his own mixed heritage. Either he never thought about it like that, or he’d assumed it wouldn’t matter to any of us.
‘I don’t know how to do this, Anita,’ he said, at last.
‘Do what?’ I asked.
‘Regain my dad after all these years and lose him at the same time.’
That was Micah, straight at it, no hesitation, no prevarication, just hit right between the eyes, and then I realized it wasn’t him at all. He’d been keeping something really big from me for most of the three years we’d been together.
‘What’s wrong? I just watched some thought go across your face,’ he said.
‘Everything that’s happened since we landed here, and you’re asking what’s wrong,’ I said, and did my best to smile.
He smiled back. ‘Okay, you have a point, so you’re telling me I’m imagining you thought of something just now.’
I sighed. I realized that I’d decided not to confront him about the dominance fights out of town until we got through this visit and back home. I didn’t want to hit him while he was down, and the pain in his eyes when he came out of his father’s room, that was down. But I’d waited too long; I could lie, but seldom to Micah. The fact that he’d managed to keep such a big secret from me for so long made me wonder if there were other secrets. I hadn’t liked thinking it, and I really hated the thought of this conversation now when he was so low.
‘I love you,’ I said.
‘I love you, too, but that sounded like a preamble to something bad,’ he said.
‘You know me too well,’ I said.
‘We’re engaged; shouldn’t we know each other well?’
I smiled. ‘Fair enough, and I admit I was all ready to have a serious talk about something totally unrelated to your family, or the case here, but then I saw you, and …’
‘And I completely fell apart,’ he finished for me.
‘I didn’t say that; I think you’re doing pretty damn well under the circumstances.’
He smiled. ‘What did you want to talk about?’
‘It has the potential for being a really big fight, Micah. Let’s not do this now.’
‘Something that big and you can honestly wait to discuss it?’ he asked.
I nodded. ‘I’m a little surprised myself, but yeah, I can wait.’
He put his head to one side and looked at me. ‘Will I think it’s a good idea to wait?’
‘Yeah, I think you will,’ I said.
He narrowed his eyes at me. ‘Would you understand if I said you’re being way too reasonable, and it’s actually making me nervous?’
I laughed. ‘Yeah, actually I would.’
He smiled, and this time it was brighter, more his usual smile. ‘Tell me, Anita, because now I’m convinced that it’s something about what my dad told us about Van Cleef and the pseudomilitary stuff.’
‘It may not be pseudo, but it’s not about that.’
He gave me a look.
‘Promise,’ I said.
‘You know you have to tell me now, because I’ll be thinking of the worst things.’
It was my turn to put my head against his shoulder. ‘I’m trying to be reasonable, Micah; let me do it. Let me be the grown-up for once.’
He touched my hair, lifted my face so we were looking at each other. ‘Now you’re scaring me.’
‘Damn it, we are both relentless in our own way,’ I said.
‘Yes, we are; it’s one of the things I loved about you from the beginning.’
I held his hands, looked him in the eyes. I was afraid of this talk, because if he could keep this from me, then he was capable of keeping other things, big things, things that could blow us up as a couple. I realized I was afraid to have the talk, and afraid not to, which made no sense at all.
‘And I loved that you loved that about me, because I’d had so many men who had hated it.’
‘Then whatever it is, we can get through it, Anita. We both value too much about each other to let anything spoil everything.’
Sitting there holding his hands, looking at him, I believed him, but … I’d always believed him and now I felt like he’d lied to me, but … Oh, fuck it.
‘Okay, here goes. Are you really fighting the leaders of the other animal groups to force them to join our Coalition?’
‘Sometimes.’ He said it as if it were nothing, ordinary, like Of course.
I tried to take my hands back, but he held on. ‘Why are you