his breath, coffee and smoke. Panic cut off her air supply. Just being back in an alley again could do that to her, even disregarding what he wanted to do to her.
‘Fourteen days. You ’ave fourteen days to pay or I’m gonna break yer legs. Yer face.’
‘I can’t.’
He shoved his hand roughly between her legs. ‘Lucky yer got sommat you can sell then, ain’t it?’
To her eternal shame, Marie hadn’t fought back. She’d let him shove his fingers inside her knickers before she dropped to her knees, squeezing her eyes shut as she heard him unzip his jeans.
Afterwards he’d tossed a foil wrap on the floor and she’d scrambled for it like a stray dog tossed a scrap of meat.
‘Don’t fink this means I’ve knocked any off your debt, yer skank. I were just trying yer out.’ Her pinched her cheeks between his thumb and index finger. ‘Yer ain’t all that.’ He pushed her roughly and left Marie face down in a filthy puddle, the feel of his fingers still inside her, the sour taste of him in her mouth.
She dragged herself up and stuffed the wrap inside her bra before stumbling home. Back in the flat she didn’t strip off her sodden clothes, she didn’t cram her tainted knickers in the bin, she didn’t even shower. It wouldn’t have made any difference, she’d not felt clean for years. Instead she waited for the hit and wished that alcohol was still enough to numb her.
The following day – despite her good intentions to stay home, ride out the withdrawal symptoms – Marie found herself applying eyeliner with a shaking hand, slicking red gloss on the lips she was prepared to wrap around a stranger for a crumpled note. She stared at herself in the mirror. A stranger stared back. Marie hadn’t known who she was since she was eight years old. She was a keeper of secrets. She could do this. She always was an actress.
Everyone knew where the women gathered, the desperate and needy with their short skirts and tight smiles and the promises of heaven. Marie leaned nonchalantly against a wall and tried to act as though she fit in.
She did not.
She was chased away by a tall, thin woman and a short, round girl with frizzy blonde hair who didn’t look old enough to be there.
Marie slowed to a brisk walk when she reached the main road; a stitch in her side throbbing, her ankles burning as her feet wobbled in shoes that were too high. Her mind scrambled for possibilities. She’d steeled herself to do the unimaginable, and now she didn’t want to go home empty-handed.
A trail of laughter led her to a pub, where three men gathered outside, their breath billowing with cold and smoke. Marie watched as they ground cigarette butts under their boots and stalked back inside. The heavy wooden door swung shut behind them. Marie crossed her arms over her chest to keep the shattered pieces of herself together, tucked her freezing hands into her armpits. Just as she was resigned to giving up – she didn’t know who she was but she knew she wasn’t this – the door swung open again and a familiar figure stepped outside.
George.
Her brother-in-law had always had a soft spot for her. Marie observed him for a few moments until – as though sensing he was being watched – he turned. His eyes met hers.
And she knew from his expression that he would be the one to save her.
Chapter Forty-Five
George
Now
George doesn’t know how much longer he can keep up the pretence. Every single time he got home and washed her off his skin he promised himself he would be a better husband. A better father. A better version of himself but, no matter how steely his resolve, she is like a furnace, bending his good intentions out of shape until they are something entirely different. Until he is something entirely different.
The shopping is defrosting in the boot. He should be getting home to Leah. It isn’t fair to leave her with a puppy she never wanted. At the time he thought it was a good idea. As soon as he saw the advert for the dog on Facebook he had called Francesca and asked her opinion. She had warned him that Leah wasn’t mentally strong enough for exposure therapy. He foolishly thought he knew better. He’d watched a documentary on Sky about phobias, a man with a fear of spiders held a tarantula and realized they