wasn’t myself and that’s the problem, don’t you see? I don’t know who I am. Who I would have been if it weren’t for Simon. If I hadn’t been abducted.’
‘I know who you are! You’re a good—’
‘You don’t even know who you are, Leah.’
‘I do.’ Leah grabs at the straw she thinks she is being offered. ‘I’m Archie’s mum. George’s wife. Your sister.’
‘Those are all labels. Names don’t define us. Our actions do. Our feelings do. Since Marie got sick in that filthy room, you’ve put yourself in a bubble with your incessant cleaning. Those bloody gloves.’
Leah raises her hands and stares at them as though she has never seen them before.
‘The rituals you carry out. Everything has to be done three times because you should have banged the gate shut three times. You don’t live, not really.’
‘I do live—’
‘You live in fear. Remember when Archie was born and you wouldn’t take him out of the house. You wouldn’t let him go to toddler groups in case he caught an infection.’
‘Yes. But he goes now and—’
‘And you worry about him every single second he’s out of your sight, don’t you?’
Leah’s silence is her agreement.
‘But it’s not germs and illness and all those other things you say, is it? Not really. You think someone might take him. Hurt him, because… because you know, Leah. You and I both know that there are bad people out there. The worst people out there. We’ve lived with them, you and I. We’ve loved them. How long do you think it will be before Archie learns the world is not what he thought? When he starts school and the children tease him about you, because the children will find out through their parents who you are.’
‘But… but…’
Leah can’t think of an argument. Carly hopes she is convincing her. It would be so much easier if she agrees to this. They could all just slip away from the world now. Together.
‘Look at him.’ Carly strokes Archie’s hair. ‘He’s so innocent. So pure. Remember when we felt like that? Before the day we were snatched? Wouldn’t it be nice if he stayed like that? Stayed asleep? We could join him, you and I. Join Marie. No more fear. No more pain. No more—’
‘No!’ Leah shouts. ‘You’re wrong. I know you want to protect him but this isn’t the way. It isn’t. There is good in the world. Kindness. Love. We teach Archie all of those things. We can show him all of those things and he’ll have a good life. A long life.’
‘What do you show him, Leah? Really? That you’re always looking over your shoulder. That it isn’t safe to touch anything without your skin being covered. That—’
Carly is stunned into silence by what happens next.
Chapter Seventy-Six
Leah
Now
I pull off my gloves and push up my sleeves before rubbing my bare hands over the earth. I smear the dirt over my arms, my face.
‘I don’t care about germs, really I don’t. It hasn’t ruined me. It hasn’t ruined us.’ Carly doesn’t respond and so I scoop up handfuls of soil and cram them into my mouth, trying not to retch as the earth clogs my throat. Trying to block out the thought of beetles scurrying down my windpipe, laying their eggs in my stomach, their babies bursting through my skin.
‘See.’ I try to speak but my words are muffled. I swallow hard. Something jagged tears at my throat. I think I’ve swallowed some glass but I don’t care. I lift another palmful and again stuff it inside my mouth. Feeling it coating my teeth, my gums. ‘It’s not too late. It’s never too late. Please, Carly, don’t hurt him.’
Carly cradles Archie’s head in her lap and pulls off her jumper while I am calculating if I should dive at her during the split second that her face is covered but my moment has passed. She rolls her jumper into a ball and holds it above Archie’s mouth.
‘Please.’ My heart is breaking. I scan the distance between us. If I lurch towards her she’ll have time to snatch the knife and plunge it into Archie’s small body. If he has to die, suffocation is the kinder death but I can’t let her do it. I just can’t. ‘Carly, don’t! You love him.’
‘Haven’t you been listening? It’s because I love him. The world is too cruel. Too awful. You should never have had a child. You know what can happen to children. We’re vulnerable.’ She begins to rock back