can’t even begin to imagine.
‘I don’t know. There are many paths that lead us to the same place.’ Who’s to say Marie wouldn’t always have turned out an addict? I think of the small girl with her big dreams of stardom who just wanted to be universally adored and I want to weep.
‘I didn’t think Carly would miss this,’ Mum says.
‘Carly’s broken. She coped with so much. If it wasn’t for her…’
‘Tell me,’ Mum cut in.
‘What?’
‘Tell me what it was like. What you said about Marie’s stories. Her games. I want to hear it. All of it.’
So I tell Mum the details that she’d never wanted to know. That Carly escaped but she came back for me and Marie. She fought men three times as big and a hundred times scarier to set us free. That when we were cold and scared we sang and danced. Together.
‘When Marie was ill Carly kept her calm, held back her hair and cleaned her up. I was beside myself, thinking she was going to die, but Carly never showed us she was scared, not once. When the door was left open Carly could have left us, she’d have been quicker on her own, particularly after I twisted my ankle but she was always… there.’ Tears gather but I don’t let them fall. ‘She never let us down. Not once.’
‘I am sorry,’ Mum says. ‘For all of it… so is your dad.’
‘I don’t want to talk about him. How could you even bear to visit him? I know that you did.’
‘Because… Because he’s sorry. Because part of loving is forgiving and because—’
‘How could you forgive him?’
‘He’s forgiven you.’
‘For what?’
Mum holds my gaze. ‘For all those extra years he served in prison. For being beaten almost daily by the other inmates. For being put on the Sex Offenders Register, effectively ruining all his future job prospects, meaning he’ll always have to look over his shoulder.’
‘When did he find out it was me?’ There is no point denying it. There have been enough lies.
‘Within a couple of days of being arrested. You can find out most things in prison. Criminals know other criminals. It only took a few packets of fags for him to find out your name.’
‘Why didn’t he tell the police it was me?’
‘Because… Because you’d have been arrested and… he felt he deserved it. All of it and worse. Like I said, he’s sorry.’
I can’t speak for a minute.
‘Mum?’ I ask. ‘Are you seeing him again? That day I came to your house… the steak? I thought I saw somebody inside.’
‘Yes. I am. I know you won’t approve or understand but we’re moving away. To Scotland. I don’t want you girls to have to worry about seeing him around.’
‘Again. You’re putting him before us again?’
‘Leah…’ Mum’s eyes glisten. ‘If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.’
I think about the unhappiness we have all suffered. The potential for happiness that is within her grasp. I don’t know if I will ever stop resenting her for what happened. If I stop her being with him – Simon – she might never stop resenting me.
‘Go,’ I give her my blessing.
She doesn’t speak but opens her arms and, although I hesitate, I step into them for the first time in years. It is both a hello and a goodbye.
She releases me. I blow my nose and dry my eyes as I watch her leave. She doesn’t look back.
On the way to the car I notice a shadow slip behind the trees. A halo of glossy blonde hair.
I think it’s Carly but I can’t be sure and by the time I get there, she is gone.
Chapter Eighty-One
Leah
Now
George rings the doorbell when he comes to see Archie, which feels odd. He still slots in here. The last puzzle piece of our beautiful, broken, healing family. Since I left Mulberry he has been renting a small place in town on a month-by-month basis. During our time apart I’ve been building on the work I started at the hospital. I’ve a new counsellor – a man this time – and slowly I’m learning to live again. I am choosing who I want to be and I want to be happy. I hope Carly is too, wherever she is.
I miss her.
She hasn’t been in touch, not once.
I think about her every single day.
These past few weeks George’s visits have stretched beyond the time Archie is tucked up in bed. Often, evenings find George sitting in one armchair, and me in the other.