desperation in her voice, she felt a true despair. She hated sounding so weak.
But even more than that, she hated feeling . . . abandoned. And at a loss of what to do.
He took a breath. Seemed to hold it. Then exhaled with another direct stare. “No.”
He paused, then, seeming to have lost a battle with himself. “Listen, for what it’s worth . . . you matter to me. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t feel anything for you. I do. I think you’re just about the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. And I admire your loyalty to your friend. But . . .”
“But I’m Amish and you’re not?”
“Partly. But it’s also because of who I am. I’m not a suitable boyfriend for any woman right now, no matter what her religion is or how her life is. I’ve come to accept it. I live my life undercover. I carry a gun . . . and I’ve used it, Beth. I’m not all that good of a man. I’m definitely not the kind of man you deserve.”
“That’s not true. Those men, they hurt you because you are trying to do something good.”
“I’m trying to do a good thing in a very bad business,” he corrected. “Believe me, there’s a difference.”
“Chris—”
He cut her off. “You take care, okay, Beth? Take care of yourself and find a decent man who will appreciate you. Find a guy who will let you be spunky and order him around a little bit.”
She was so hurt, she spoke without thinking. “But . . . but I don’t want that guy.”
Mirth and a warmth that she’d never spied before lit his expression. “I’m really going to miss you.” And then, right before her eyes, he lay back down and closed his eyes.
Effectively removing himself.
Even though she still stood there, stunned.
When she realized he wasn’t going to speak to her again . . . or even look her way, she turned and walked out. Closing a door had never felt so hard.
But she didn’t get very far. Only two steps. Her mind was spinning and her feet felt like lead. She stood against the wall and tried not to cry.
Tried not to care.
But when she heard Chris walk to the door and lock it, she knew that everything he said was right.
Everything that had been between them was over. Over before it had ever begun.
Chapter 21
“Perry knew about my crush from the very beginning. More than once, he threatened to tell Jacob Schrock about my foolishness. Funny, I’m still surprised he never said a word.”
DEBORAH BORNTRAGER
Luke had out a tape recorder and his usual pen and tablet. His expression was solemn. And for once, he didn’t look harried around her, or distracted by the pain in his leg. Or eager to trade barbs with her. Instead, he was all business when he turned on the tape recorder and faced her across the kitchen table.
“All right. Let’s begin. Tell me what really happened with those sunglasses, Frannie. Tell me exactly what Perry said when he tried to give them to you. And exactly how you replied.”
It was hard to imagine how one small incident could possibly change her life. Though Luke would be disappointed with her, the things that she remembered had little to do with the actual conversation about the sunglasses and more with her feelings of being betrayed by Perry.
Across from her, Luke snapped at the end of his ballpoint pen. The spring made a little sharp click with each hammer of his thumb.
The recorder was on and Luke was waiting.
She cleared her throat. “Perry gave me the sunglasses as a gift.” Going back to that day, she tried to think about the mixture of emotions she’d been feeling. It wasn’t hard to remember that. She’d been anxious to get away from him. Perry had been suspicious, argumentative, and mean.
“Things between us had been rocky.” She looked at Luke. “I don’t exactly know why I thought they wouldn’t be. For most of our lives, he and Lydia Plank had been courting.”
“And you?”
“Me? Me, I’d been especially close with Micah.” She shrugged. “But there had been something about Perry that was special. Maybe I liked that he felt a little dangerous?” Opening herself up a little more, she said, “To be honest, I thought I could change Perry.”
“Change how?”
“I thought if he had me, I could guide him back to our ways. I thought if he loved me and if I loved him enough, he