we reached the door to the hotel room and he guided us inside, I’d moved on from unfocused rage to crying about the very thing that sent me to the bar in the first place. I honestly didn’t want to cry over anything Erik did ever again. On top of being pissed by his callous and calculating behavior, I was really disappointed in myself. I told Salinger that I wanted to be a person who believed others could change, but I really needed to be someone who could change as well. I had to figure out how to stop letting the past dictate my future.
I slumped in Salinger’s arms and, finally, the tears I’d been battling back since I heard the news about Erik and his wife’s baby began to fall.
It wasn’t a pretty sight.
My makeup was running all over my face. My hair was a tangled mess that had long since fallen out of its high ponytail. I’d lost a high heel in the elevator, so on top of holding me up so I didn’t wilt to the ground, Salinger was toting around my shoe and the Celine bag I would’ve left at the bar if he hadn’t shown up. I was sobbing into his shoulder and telling him all about why life wasn’t fair, but he remained silent, only whispering reassuring words as he led me to the fancy king-sized bed that took up the majority of the luxurious room.
“You have no idea how horrible he was to me when I first told him we were having a baby. I told him before we ever got married that I wanted a big family, and he agreed. He promised me that he would always make me happy. How could I have been so stupid to believe that? All men do is lie! They really don’t deserve rights.”
I hiccupped a little and flopped on the bed like a dead fish. I threw my arm over my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t allow anyone to see me in such a state. Right now, my dignity was the last thing I was worried about. The sense of betrayal burned so deep inside my heart, I was pretty sure my whole body was going to go up in flames.
Erik used our baby and my emotional reaction to the loss as a scapegoat for his terrible actions at the end of our marriage. He told me repeatedly that he no longer loved the woman I’d become and blamed me for the two of us falling out of love. Now, he was using another baby as a publicity stunt because he was embarrassed. I thought I hated Salinger back when he’d caused the speed bump in my career, but I understood what I felt then wasn’t even close to the absolute disdain and contempt I was feeling toward my ex. I really knew what deep-seated, unforgivable hatred was because it was consuming every single one of my alcohol-drenched cells.
I felt Salinger lean down to take off my other shoe. I heard a thump and assumed he let my very expensive bag drop to the floor. I owed him an apology for being so sloppy and saying so many dumb things when he’d come to my rescue once again. However, I couldn’t stop crying, and every time I opened my mouth, more aggravation about my ex poured out instead of gratitude.
“The night I told him I was pregnant was supposed to be one of our happiest moments. He was filming a music video in Paris when I found out, so I jumped on a plane and rushed across the ocean to tell him.” I inhaled a deep breath and rubbed my forearm across my nose. I was sure I was a snotty, drippy mess, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to care. “He was mad that I showed up unannounced. He wanted me to stay at a different hotel so I didn’t steal his spotlight. It was always about him and how he could get the most attention possible. I swear he wasn’t like that at the start of our marriage. He didn’t change until my career started to turn around. When I told him about the baby, he asked me if I was sure, and then asked me if it was really the right time for us to start a family. He reminded me that my career was unstable, and I should take the work while it