than any other job. I swear it.”
“You used those hard-earned science degrees to sell postcards?” I welcome his wise-ass remark.
“And to point people in the right direction of the bathroom; let’s not forget that,” I add haughtily.
At this point we’ve reached the spot where I always loved sitting when my shift was over at the Visitor Center. “Coming to work every day was a challenge, but I knew that if I persevered, it would lead me right where I was meant to be.”
“And then you had me,” Kevin says flatly.
“And then I celebrated the fact I was pregnant with you,” I correct him gently.
“What?” he asks, confused.
“Kevin, I was in love with your father,” I say softly, admitting something I never told Jennings. Because at twenty-three, who knew what love was? I certainly didn’t until I held his son in my arms.
“You were?”
I curse myself having never told him this sooner, like when Dean and Jed were alive, to help me with some of the questions I’m not going to be able to answer easily. I’m terrified I’m going to have to rely on Jennings to help me navigate the emotions of a teenage boy which, to me, is like jumping out of a plane with no parachute. I swallow all of that fear back and sit down. Patting the spot beside me, I tell him, “Yes, I was. Here, sit down.”
“Am I going to get eaten?” he asks half-jokingly as he drops beside me.
“You run faster than me. You’ll be just fine,” I remind him.
“Mom, after everything we’ve been through, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. There isn’t a chance I wouldn’t try to take on a bear for you. I hope you know how much I love you.” His voice cracks.
“Baby, I love you too.” I can’t not hold him anymore. I rise up on my knees and pull him to my breast, rocking back and forth, just like I did when he used to have nightmares. Just like I did a few weeks ago when nightmares came true and we were told Dean and Jed were killed.
God, I hope he doesn’t associate this story with that. Pulling back, my heart aches more than it already has been with the naked longing on his face. “What’s my father’s name?”
“John Jennings.”
Kevin frowns. “My middle name. Why does that name sound familiar?”
I take in a deep breath and let it out halfway before admitting, “Because you may have overheard Uncle Jed talking about him. He was one of Uncle Jed’s best friends. In fact, he was at the funeral the other night.” I wait for the explosion.
Only it doesn’t come. What does is much worse.
Kevin’s face crumbles. “He was a friend of Uncle Jed’s?”
“Yes. That’s how I met him. When Uncle Jed came home from working as a…” But I don’t get to finish my sentence because Kevin’s scrambling to his feet.
“Uncle Jed knew? Uncle Dean knew? Who else knows? Maris?” His face is set in stone, closed off.
“All of them knew he was your biological father, yes,” I answer cautiously.
Kevin’s face twists into something ugly, but he doesn’t say anything. I give him a few moments before I whisper, “Kevin…”
There’s no way to brace myself internally when he asks me, “So, was it you he didn’t want, or was it me?”
“Baby.” My voice crumbles. “It’s not quite that easy. He didn’t know until Uncle Jed died.”
“How? And I told you, I’m not a baby!” he shouts. The sound seems to permeate the air around us.
“Don’t you realize you’ll always be my baby? You could be two, seven, fifteen, or forty-seven and you’ll always be my baby. One day, you’ll have your family surrounding you, I’ll be old, and…” Suddenly Kevin’s swooping me up in his strong arms, squeezing the living breath out of me. “Whoa, what did I say?” I manage to get out.
“You were talking about growing old. You’re never going to get old.” From angry to panic in one breath to the next. The psychologist warned me he’ll feel the threat of losing his loved ones more severely for some time. “Don’t be surprised if he clings to you. It’s a defense mechanism, Ms. Malone.”
I understand because we’re just two people equally scared by the past, the present, and the future for the exact same reasons.
I hold my son for a long time until he asks, “So, you met my father at Uncle Jed’s?”
Pulling back slightly, I touch his face to smooth out the scrunched-up