now unapologetically individual.
During the opening ceremonies, we were announced by name rather than by country. We each wore a different colored leotard to further signify the “every gymnast for herself” mentality, and though I tried to ignore it, the tension between competitors hung thick in the air.
My first rotation was bars. I pulled off my warm-ups and stuffed them into my gym bag. I reached for my grips and shook off the excess chalk. I could see the judges out of the corner of my eye. They sat behind a small rectangular table, wearing black suits and grim expressions. Their glasses sat on the bridges of their noses, and their pens were already in their hands, ready to go.
I turned away and tried to force their existence from my mind, but it was no use. They only added to the stress eating away at me. My mom, Erik, the chance for a second gold medal—my mind circled around and around as I stood in line to chalk my grips and then before I could push everything to the side, I was stepping up to the bars for my warm-up routine. I eased into it, feeling my heart dip into my stomach as I moved to the high bar. I skipped over my hardest release move and then finished with a simple dismount.
“What’s wrong?” Erik asked as I walked off the mat to take my place at the back of the line.
I jolted at the sound of his voice. “Nothing.”
“Then why did you just warm up a routine that isn’t even half as difficult as the one you’re about to submit to the judges?”
I swallowed slowly. “I don’t know.” I averted eye contact, staring into the stands behind him. “I’m feeling off.”
He shook his head, torn. “I want be sympathetic, Brie, but there’s no time. I need you to get your head in this arena.”
“It is,” I stressed, ignoring his glare.
Fuck him. Couldn’t he see how nervous I was? My own body was sabotaging me.
My next routine was wobbly; I nearly ate shit on my first release move and I took four steps after my dismount.
Erik didn’t even look me in the eye as I lined back up behind Molly. I could practically hear the announcers in my head.
“Brie Watson has tremendous potential, but she’s the least experienced when it comes to competition on the Olympic stage. She wouldn’t be the first rookie to buckle under the pressure.”
“Brie,” Erik urged, pointing to the empty bars. “You’re up.”
I shook my head clear of thoughts and reached down into the chalk bucket. This was my last warm-up routine and I wasn’t ready. I needed everything to slow down. If I could only go back in time and get a better night’s sleep. If I could have just nailed this routine one more time in practice. My chest was already tight and the more I tried to tell myself to calm down, the less I felt in control of my own body. Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?
“It’s time,” Erik said, rattling my brain.
I rubbed my grips together and turned my attention to the bars. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and jumped up to start my routine. I tried to hit every skill with confidence, but midway through, I felt the sting of tears in the corners of my eyes. Before they could stain my cheeks, they bowed to centripetal force as I rotated around the bar and leapt from my face. Every handstand was a second too short. My arms were shaky and weak. I nearly missed my hands on my final release move, and in the end, I dismounted with an easy backflip, a skill I’d competed when I was eight.
I couldn’t look at Erik as I walked away.
There was nothing to say; I was losing my grip.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Brie,” he called out, trying to get ahold of my arm, but I jerked free and kept walking. I couldn’t talk to anyone. Molly was standing near our bags, watching me with a careful expression. She pitied me, but I didn’t need her pity. I needed my body to cooperate.
“Hey.”
Erik’s hand hit my elbow as I brushed by him and he pulled me back gently until I was staring at his chest. His hands were on my shoulders, slowly massaging the muscles there, easing the tension building up inside me.
“Take a deep breath,” he said, tilting my chin up with his finger.
I frowned. “What?”
His blue eyes met mine