gone to the police and reported him, but I couldn’t do it. I just wanted to put it all behind me. I moved to Sweden to stay with my grandfather for a while, and I stayed up to date with news about my father’s gym. I never once heard about him mistreating other athletes, but I knew that didn’t mean a thing. I’d stayed silent; other gymnasts probably did too. I should have done the world a favor and killed him when I had the chance. The odds that he was an angel from that day forward were slim.
By the time I finished spewing details I’d kept under lock and key for the last ten years, Brie’s features were coated in horror. Her face had drained of color and she was shaking her head, willing the story away. She didn’t want it to be true any more than I did.
“So you’re right, Brie—we’re completely different people with completely different lives, but you’re wrong to say I don’t understand what it’s like to try to compete for someone other than yourself. I don’t want you to have to learn the same lessons I did.”
“I’m sorry.” She was crying then. “Erik…I didn’t know.”
I rubbed my jaw and tried to keep my tone even. I hadn’t planned on revealing so much to her that night and I was definitely not looking for her pity. I just wanted her to understand that we weren’t so different.
“It’s not important, really. Get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
She stepped closer, looking as if she wanted to say more. Her gaze dropped to my lips and then back up. Her shallow inhales were masked by laughter from the group of athletes spilling out of a cab behind us. I watched her hand reach out for mine, but I shoved my hands into my jeans and rocked back on my heels.
“Get some sleep,” I repeated to myself as much as to her.
Before she could respond, I turned and headed for the coaches’ complex.
It was a ten-minute walk back in the dark. I shoved my hands into my pockets and tried to focus on the sound of the ocean in the distance, lapping up against the shore. It was no use; I hadn’t thought about that night in a long time. It was easier to keep the past in the past, and talking about it with Brie had brought up all that residual emotion. Just before I’d made it back up to my condo, I paused on the sidewalk, pulled my phone out of my pocket, and dialed my mom’s number.
She answered on the second ring and my chest tightened with the excitement in her voice.
“Erik!”
“Hey Mom.”
“I’m surprised to hear from you. I’d assumed you wouldn’t return my calls until you got back home.”
I kicked the curb, loosening up gravel with the toe of my shoe.
When I didn’t answer, she continued. “Your father and I watched qualifications yesterday. The girls all performed so well, Erik—”
I cut her off. “Do you think he regrets it?”
Silence.
She knew what I was talking about. The night my father kicked me out of our house had tainted the air surrounding our family for the last ten years. There wasn’t a phone call that passed with my mom or my grandfather without some mention of my father’s mistakes.
“Every day,” she answered simply. “He felt embarrassed, and he took it out on you. I know he regrets it every single day.”
Silence.
I kicked at the asphalt harder.
“Sometimes perpetual regret is exactly what someone deserves,” I said, feeling the anger growing inside me.
She sighed, long and heavy. “You’re right. I can’t force you to forgive him. You never have to forgive him for what he did to you.”
“And what about what he’s still doing? I read his quote in the newspaper before I left for Rio—I know he doesn’t think I deserve to coach this team.”
“What are you talking about? Your father hasn’t talked to the press in years. He’s been in the hospital, trying to get well.” She sighed. “Whatever you read must have been taken from an old interview or something. He’s proud of you, Erik. So proud of you.”
I hated that she wouldn’t force me to talk to him. It’d be one thing if everyone were pushing us together, if they demanded I see his side, but no one did that. They understood my feelings, and for ten years, they’d given me all the space I wanted, which in some way only made