Olivia in a while.
A long while.
Which was my own subconscious fault.
“Mila… I just wanted to check up on you. I brought you some peanut butter chocolate cheesecake. I can just hand it off and leave. I just want you to know I’m okay with everything. I understand. I love you so much, Mila. You’re like a sister to me. We’re going to be okay. No matter what.”
I picked my head up. “You look so beautiful, Olivia. How are you? Tell me everything.”
Olivia blinked and a tear slid down her cheek. “I’ve been worried sick about you.”
“Come in,” I said. “Please, come in.”
I stepped back and Olivia entered the room.
I shut the door and took the cheesecake from her and walked it to the living room area.
Olivia waddled her way to the couch and sat down.
When she did, she sighed with relief.
My eyes looked at her stomach again.
Her baby was still in there. The way my baby was supposed to be.
Growing. Living. Being healthy.
Not stuck in an incubator, hooked up to machines.
“Mila?” Olivia whispered.
“Sorry,” I said. “Is everything okay?”
“Perfect,” Olivia said. “I’m sorry about that.”
“Why are you sorry? I’m the foolish one here.”
“Hardly. You have so much going on. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Or thinking. It’s got to be so hard.”
“It has its moments.”
“How is baby Hank?”
“He’s okay for now.”
“Okay, good. Mila, I don’t know what to say.”
“I know,” I said. “Neither do I. I’m sorry for being distant. It’s a lot to take in. I feel like I let everyone down.” I put my hand up. “I know I didn’t. I get it. We can’t control certain things. I just feel how I feel. That’s all.”
“Makes perfect sense,” Olivia said. “I would never try to talk you out of it.”
“I just hate that things got cut short. You know? Our big bellies together. Trying to hug each other. Letting our bellies touch, wondering if the two babies would kick at the same time.”
“All the desserts at your mother’s,” Olivia said.
“Oh, yeah, that was great,” I said. “Crosby would get so mad at us.”
“We’d eat it all in front of him,” she said. “Torturing him.”
“He deserved it.”
“Stupid Crosby,” Olivia said.
I laughed. “Stupid Crosby.” I shook my head. “I haven’t talked to him in a day or two. I forget. He’s so distant. I think everyone is afraid. Our family has history with this stuff.”
“No they don’t,” Olivia said. “Your family has a sad history of losing babies. You didn’t lose a baby. Your baby was born early. There’s a huge difference.”
Talk about brutally honest.
I nodded. “Thanks for saying that. I sometimes cross those wires.”
“I understand.”
“Hey,” I said. “I love you, Olivia. Please promise me you’re going to enjoy every minute of your pregnancy. Please don’t lose that because of me.”
“I just needed to see you and make sure you’re here,” she said. “You don’t have to be okay. You just need to be here.”
I nodded. “I’m here.” I smiled. “And… you know…”
“What?” Olivia asked.
“I mean, I’m just saying… it is nice to be skinny again. Or at least I get to be skinnier than you.”
We both smiled at each other.
Olivia pointed at me. “You bitch.”
Chapter Forty-Two
SILAS
I couldn’t sleep.
To me, it had been long enough.
There was no getting used to not having baby Hank home.
It got worse each day that went by.
My mind should have thought the opposite.
Each day that went by was a day closer to him coming him.
That didn’t happen.
It felt like nothing was happening.
The hope I saw in Mila’s eyes turned to exhaustion.
The hope I felt from the doctors and nurses had faded to the next set of parents who needed to be picked up.
We were just… there.
That was it.
There, and waiting.
To make matters worse, I counted at least two sets of parents who arrived after us and had already gone home with their babies. I knew that everyone’s circumstances were different. I knew that what baby Hank was going through was different from baby Jeffrey or baby Hannah.
Yeah, I really knew some of the other names.
Now I just couldn’t sleep.
I snuck out into the living room area and tried to write in a notebook.
All I had were old stories about my childhood.
I went from trying to write lyrics to writing a journal.
The urge to drink hit me hard too.
I didn’t touch a drop.
Not because I thought I had a problem or would have a problem, I just didn’t want to chance having something happen with baby Hank and me not being completely clearheaded to be