sixteen tops.
I tried to hide the fact that my heart felt as though it was in my throat.
To know what it felt like to be desired by anyone was something I had never felt. I craved that feeling. Craved the rush of excitement, the desire that pooled between two consenting adults. But I’d only ever heard about those feelings, watched them in movies, and more than anything I wanted to experience them for myself.
***
“I’m hosting the faculty dinner tomorrow evening at five.” I rinsed my cup in the sink with my back to my father. “I expect that if you plan to be present you will be presentable. Dressed accordingly.” He scanned over my current attire and I felt my stomach grow hollow. I was in my pajamas, but after all, it was after nine at night and I was on my way to bed. “Conversation isn’t necessary on your part, as adults prefer to be in the company of other adults.”
Turning around to face him, I faked a smile and pretended that on the inside I wasn’t calling him an asshole. “I’m not sure I will even be home.” I braced myself and waited for what I knew would come. “Darcy mentioned a movie and dinner, just us and a few other girls.”
“Hm.” My father stared at me as if he could see right through me. I knew he was looking for the smallest indication that I was lying. I’d gotten better at keeping my cool, no longer did my nerves spike the second I told him the tiniest fib. I was a young adult, I deserved a life. But it’s all about control with him, it was with my mother, and it’s the same with me. “Darcy hardly seems like the type to spend a Friday evening at a dinner and theater.”
He was not a fan of my friend. She was the exact opposite of who he wanted me to be.
“In her defense, you don’t know her that well.”
“You forget I have access to all kinds of inside information on all your friends.” The earlier emptiness that had been lingering in my stomach filled with a sour feeling. “Surrounding yourself with the right kind of people is key to a successful future, you really should remember that.”
Looking at him, or should I say looking through him, because honestly I couldn’t truly see him at all, I tried to hold back the harsh words and feelings I had storming inside of me. Each day was the same, I worked and I worked hard, only to leave him needing more. I was dedicated and obedient, like a good little doggy. Always thinking twice, wondering what my actions would make my father think, yet each day he remained disappointed.
That’s when it hit me, you cannot please the unpleasable. So many days, years even, and actions with him in mind, it was all a waste. It would always be a waste.
“I understand.” There was no reason to argue or inflict a debate. I didn’t have the desire to prove an unprovable point to a narcissist . “I’m going to go to bed now.”
I didn’t wait for him to respond, hurrying from the kitchen and practically running up the stairs to create as much distance between us as possible. Once inside my room I began gathering my things for tomorrow evening. Texting Darcy, I agreed to whatever shenanigans she had planned for us and alerted her that I was staying at her place afterwards. There was no point coming home, not when I would have my father’s prying eyes and unthoughtful words to follow after I once again managed to somehow be less than he thought that I should be.
The reality was that I would never be enough, I would never be what he expected me to be because his expectations were too astronomical to satisfy and they were constantly changing.
I wished my mother was still here, I wished I had her to talk to. Missing her was a huge part of every day. I knew that no matter what she would be on my side, she always was.
1. Rock a pair of heels like the hot girl I am.
2. Get my girlie bits waxed.
3. Share my red lipstick with a gorgeous guy. (That means kiss him)
4. Skip class, because I’m hung over.
5. Forego panties and go dancing in a short dress.
6. Give my number to a random guy.
7. Pick out my favorite nail polish and forget it landed in my handbag while