It's not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful."
He moved forward as he spoke, kneeling beside the bed where I lay and taking my hand again in both of his.
"I've never known anyone like you."
I sighed. "Ian, what if I'd come here in Magnolia's body?"
He grimaced and then laughed. "Okay. That's a good question. I don't know."
"Or Wes's?"
"But you're female-you yourself are."
"And I always request whatever a planet's equivalent is. It seems more... right. But I could be put into a man and I would function just fine."
"But you're not in a man's body."
"See? That's my point. Body and soul. Two different things, in my case."
"I wouldn't want it without you."
"You wouldn't want me without it."
He touched my cheek again and left his hand there, his thumb under my jaw. "But this body is part of you, too. It's part of who you are. And, unless you change your mind and turn us all in, it's who you will always be."
Ah, the finality of it. Yes, I would die in this body. The final death.
And I will never live in it again, Melanie whispered.
It's not how either of us planned our future, is it?
No. Neither of us planned to have no future.
"Another internal conversation?" Ian guessed.
"We're thinking of our mortality."
"You could live forever if you left us."
"Yes, I could." I sighed. "You know, humans have the shortest life span of any species I've ever been, except the Spiders. You have so little time."
"Don't you think, then..." Ian paused and leaned closer to me so that I couldn't seem to see anything around his face, just snow and sapphire and ink. "That maybe you should make the most of what time you have? That you should live while you're alive?"
I didn't see it coming the way I had with Jared. Ian was not as familiar to me. Melanie realized what he was going to do before I did, just a second before his lips touched mine.
No!
It wasn't like kissing Jared. With Jared, there was no thought, only desire. No control. A spark to gasoline-inevitable. With Ian, I didn't even know what I felt. Everything was muddled and confused.
His lips were soft and warm. He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.
"Good or bad?" he whispered against my lips.
Bad! Bad, bad!
"I-I can't think." When I moved my mouth to speak, he moved his with it.
"That sounds... good."
His mouth pressed down with more force now. He caught my lower lip between his and pulled on it gently.
Melanie wanted to hit him-so much more than she'd wanted to punch Jared. She wanted to shove him away and then kick his face. The image was horrible. It conflicted jarringly with the sensation of Ian's kiss.
"Please," I whispered.
"Yes?"
"Please stop. I can't think. Please."
He sat back at once, clasping his hands in front of him. "Okay," he said, his tone cautious.
I pressed my hands against my face, wishing I could push out Melanie's anger.
"Well, at least nobody punched me." Ian grinned.
"She wanted to do more than that. Ugh. I don't like it when she's mad. It hurts my head. Anger is so... ugly."
"Why didn't she?"
"Because I didn't lose control. She only breaks free when I'm... overwhelmed."
He watched as I kneaded my forehead.
Calm down, I begged her. He's not touching me.
Has he forgotten that I'm here? Doesn't he care? This is me, it's me!
I tried to explain that.
What about you? Have you forgotten Jared?
She threw the memories at me the way she'd done in the beginning, only this time they were like blows. A thousand punches of his smile, his eyes, his lips on mine, his hands on my skin...
Of course not. Have you forgotten that you don't want me to love him?
"She's talking to you."
"Yelling at me," I corrected.
"I can tell now. I can see you concentrate on the conversation. I never noticed before today."
"She's not always this vocal."
"I am sorry, Melanie," he said. "I know this must be impossible for you."
Again, she visualized smashing her foot into his sculpted nose, leaving it crooked like Kyle's. Tell him I don't want his apologies.
I winced.
Ian half smiled, half grimaced. "She doesn't accept."
I shook my head.
"So she can break free? If you're overwhelmed?"
I shrugged. "Sometimes, if she takes me by surprise and I'm too... emotional. Emotion makes it hard to concentrate. But it's been more difficult for her lately. It's like the door between us is locked. I don't know why.