skin.
I couldn't argue with the results, though. Within half a minute, Walter's entire body relaxed, melting into a pile of loose flesh against the thin mattress. His breathing went from harsh and urgent to whispery and even. His hand relaxed, freeing mine.
I massaged my left hand with my right, trying to bring the blood back to my fingertips. Little prickles followed the flow of blood under my skin.
"Uh, Doc, there really isn't enough for that," Jared murmured.
I looked up from Walter's face, peaceful at last. Jared had his back to me, but I could see the surprise in Doc's expression.
"Enough for what? I'm not going to save this for a rainy day, Jared. I'm sure we'll wish we had it again, and too soon, but I'm not going to let Walter scream in agony while I have a way to help him!"
"That's not what I meant," Jared said. He spoke the way he did when he'd already thought about something long and hard. Slow and even, like Walter's breath.
Doc frowned, confused.
"There's enough to stop the pain for maybe three or four days, that's all," Jared said. "If you give it to him in doses."
I didn't understand what Jared was saying, but Doc did.
"Ah," he sighed. He turned to look at Walter again, and I saw a rim of fresh tears start to pool above his lower lids. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
I wanted to know what they were talking about, but Jared's presence made me silent, brought back the reserve I rarely felt the need for anymore.
"You can't save him. You can only save him pain, Doc."
"I know," Doc said. His voice broke, like he was holding back a sob. "You're right."
What's going on? I asked. As long as Melanie was going to be around, I might as well make use of her.
They're going to kill Walter, she told me matter-of-factly. There's enough morphine to give him an overdose.
My gasp sounded loud in the quiet room, but it was really just a breath. I didn't look up to see how the two healthy men would react. My own tears pooled as I leaned over Walter's pillow.
No, I thought, no. Not yet. No.
You'd rather he died screaming?
I just... I can't stand the... finality. It's so absolute. I'll never see my friend again.
How many of your other friends have you gone back to visit, Wanderer?
I've never had friends like this before.
My friends on other planets were all blurred together in my head; the souls were so similar, almost interchangeable in some ways. Walter was distinctly himself. When he was gone, there would be no one who could fill his place.
I cradled Walter's head in my arms and let my tears fall onto his skin. I tried to stifle my crying, but it made its way out regardless, a keening rather than sobs.
I know. Another first, Melanie whispered, and there was compassion in her tone. Compassion for me-that was a first, too.
"Wanda?" Doc asked.
I just shook my head, not able to answer.
"I think you've been here too long," he said. I felt his hand, light and warm, on my shoulder. "You should take a break."
I shook my head again, still keening softly.
"You're worn out," he said. "Go clean up, stretch your legs. Eat something."
I glared up at him. "Will Walter be here when I get back?" I mumbled through my tears.
His eyes tightened anxiously. "Do you want that?"
"I'd like a chance to say goodbye. He's my friend."
He patted my arm. "I know, Wanda, I know. Me, too. I'm in no hurry. You get some air and then come back. Walter will be sleeping for a while."
I read his worn face, and I believed the sincerity there.
I nodded and carefully put Walter's head back on the pillow. Maybe if I got away from this place for a little bit, I'd find a way to handle this. I wasn't sure how-I had no experience with real goodbyes.
Because I was in love with him, no matter that it was unwilling, I had to look at Jared before I left. Mel wanted this, too, but wished that she could somehow exclude me from the process.
He was staring at me. I had a feeling his eyes had been on me for a long time. His face was carefully composed, but there was surprise and suspicion in there again. It made me tired. What would be the point of acting out a charade now, even if I were that talented a liar? Walter would