wanted to see. I... I was tired of him. He was badgering me. I got angry. We were supposed to be playing ball, and it had gone the opposite direction of the wood, and we couldn’t find it. I told him to go on then, and he would have to deal with Father. I left him. I went to the hedge to search for the ball. When I turned back, he was gone. Because I was selfish. Because I didn’t want to deal with him. Because I didn’t want to do my duty. It doesn’t matter how old I was. I had a responsibility.”
“Alex, you know that’s just kid stuff, it’s not anything you can be held responsible for.”
“Dionysus. I knew he was drunk. You had left the ballroom by that point, so you won’t remember this. He was making grand claims about how he was going to brave the wood. About how it was clear he was the real lion. The true heir. He had a woman with him, and he was bound and determined to show off for her. And I... I didn’t stop him.” There was something strange in his voice. As if he was holding something back, but she couldn’t figure out what it might be.
“His decision is not your responsibility.”
“I am the King. I am the King and in those moments of weakness, when I was simply a brother, simply a man, I allowed petty things to get in the way of what I knew to be better. What I knew to be true. I did it twice, and the consequences were fatal. No, a man should not blame himself for the actions of others, but a king has no choice. For I hold the future of the nation in my hand. For the responsibility of the people is mine. My brothers were my people. And I did not serve them. I did not protect them. I failed. I made a decision then. To be King. Not Alexius and a king. But King Alexius of Liri. There is no other identity. There is no other piece of me. There cannot be.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Believe it. It is a decision I made with great weight.”
“I can’t be just a queen. I can’t. I can’t disappear behind a façade.”
“I would not ask it of you.”
“I feel like it puts you on one side of the glass and me on the other.”
“I never expected to know my wife.”
“And is your... Is your temptation toward me something of the man or the King?”
His posture stiffened, his face turning to stone.
“You’re to be my Queen. You are not a temptation.”
It was like a brick wall had gone up between them.
Like he was intent on proving something to her. On distancing her.
But she had agreed to marry him. He could not do that. And she couldn’t live this way. So near to him, and yet so far.
“Then tell me something else,” she said. “If you will not talk of temptation.”
Her heart beat a sickening rhythm at the base of her throat. Her hands were damp. Shameful excitement bloomed in her midsection.
And she cast her mind back, to all the times she had catalogued with him over the years. And there was a catalog of encounters, to be sure. She remembered each and every one of them, as if they happened only recently.
“Dionysus made me feel warm. Happy. Accepted. And I understand now that...he had a different plan for our relationship than I did. I understand that what I thought was love between the two of us was... It was not love for him. It wasn’t even love for me. I confused friendship for love. And I didn’t consider desire at all.” She swallowed hard. “That day that you scolded me in the corridor. I felt very upset. My heart beat fast, and my stomach twisted. I thought I was angry. I thought I was furious with you. I wanted to get closer to you. I wanted to hit you. Something. Make contact. Did I want you? Is that what was happening?”
His face seemed to turn to stone, and a muscle in his jaw jumped, the only sign of life. “I cannot answer that question.”
“Your cold fury, your disapproval... I thought about it all the time. Your eyes. The way that you looked at me. It upset me so much, Alex, that I could not make you like me. Dionysus was so easy...”
“There is no benefit to this discussion.”
“Was it always going