be allowed to do some of that even after we’ve married. I like animals. The charity that I’m affiliated with is very important to me.” Her heart squeezed. “Because I know what it’s like to have my mother look at me and think that there’s something wrong with me. And the children my charity benefits live in a world that isn’t made for them. And in every way, big and small every day, they are made to feel like they’re wrong. Because they have neurological differences. Because they have different ways of thinking and learning. Because nothing in the world, in their school, is made for them. And I’m passionate about creating ways for them to be able to feel like they belong. Because all I have ever wanted is to feel like I belonged. It isn’t the same. I don’t have the same challenges they do. But I understand the feeling. And if I can help spare even one person a measure of that, then I will. I hope in my position as Queen I can further that.”
“Undoubtedly,” he said, visibly unaffected by her speech. “As Queen of Liri you will have money and influence at your disposal. Invest in whatever you like. You will be able to raise the profile for your convictions with ease.”
“Well. Good.”
She studied him, trying to see if what she had said had... Meant anything to him. Sunken at all. Because it felt important that he understand. She was... She was so tired of being alone.
A feeling...
Nobody knew her. Not really.
She’d made decent friends when she’d gone away to school, but none of them could really understand what her life had been like. Many of them were from privileged backgrounds, it was true, but none of them had been engaged to a prince.
She had experienced a measure of pretty intense grief at only eighteen.
She had lost the future she’d been dreaming of. She had rebuilt herself to an extent. But the more she thought about it the more she realized that in every space she’d ever occupied, from being Dionysus’s fiancée, to being a college student, to working at a charity, to being here now, she had only ever given pieces of herself in those places.
No one had all of her.
Sometimes she wasn’t even entirely certain she had all of her.
“Were you not hungry?”
She nodded, and reached out and took a stuffed date from one of the trays. It was good, but her hunger was no longer the most pressing issue she faced. It was this strange, desperate feeling of isolation, and the desire to be rid of it.
“What do you care about?” she asked.
“Being the King my country needs.”
It was like flinging herself at a brick wall. “But what do you care about. You’re not just a king, Alex. You’re a man. And I can’t... Nothing in this castle is yours. It’s all your father’s. All your ancestors’. Even the scolding you gave me that night at the state dinner back when I was engaged to Dionysus... That wasn’t yours either. It was what you thought you had to do to behave in a way that fit the crown. But what do you care about?”
“You’re wrong about one thing, Tinley, King is not just a title. It must be who I am. All of who I am. It is essential. For it is in the man that you find weakness. I can afford no more weakness.”
“If you mean Dionysus... It’s ridiculous that anyone blames you. And I’m sorry that I’ve been one of them. I felt... I cared about your brother very much. And for a whole lot of my life I was convinced that I loved him. He was easy to love. I got angry at you yesterday because I had to face how foolish I was to not realize that he didn’t love me back. The things that I excused, and the things that I decided had explanations... They were born of naivety. Nobody wants to believe that they are naïve. But I was. I am. I felt like a silly child next to you yesterday, and I hated it. Because we were naked together. I didn’t want to feel that gulf.”
She took a deep breath. “You’re not responsible for what he did.”
“When Lazarus disappeared, it’s because I... I forgot myself. I was more interested in fun than doing my duty. We were playing together in the yard. He said he saw something in the forest. Something that moved. And he