a good arrangement.
But I wasn’t watching my children in a quiet mansion. Sure, I had adjusted to the glitter. The toys. The trinkets. The princesses and tea parties.
Elmo.
But this was something…terrifying.
“I need a zone defense for you guys.” I pointed Rose and Sammy to the corner. “Why don’t you go play with the cars?”
Rose stomped her foot. “No!”
“Why not?”
“I want…” She took a breath. “Blue car.”
“I’ll find you a blue car.”
“Red too!”
“A blue and red car?”
“Yes!”
“…Can I get you a purple car instead?”
“No!” Her chubby cheeks puffed, but she smiled at me. “And nanners!”
Uh-oh. “I don’t know if Momma brought any bananas from home. We don’t have any.”
It was like I accidentally blitzed every one of the Wiggles, tore the heart out of Barney, and melted Elsa.
Rose’s eyes welled with tears. Sammy threw himself against a chair, distraught. Ethan bellowed from his blanket for nanners.
Dawn seemed relatively ambivalent, but as far as I knew, she was only eating one specific meal. That was nothing I could help her with.
I panicked, grabbing my phone and texting Piper.
Bring Bananas
Her response was quick.
They don’t grow in bathrooms. Would you really want one if they did?
I didn’t need the sass, not when toddler tantrums were eminent.
We’re gonna need bananas
I didn’t have time to answer her response.
Rosie and Sammy were mobile, hyper, and on the move. The circled the waiting room in tightly constricting concentric circles. I dove for Ethan and Dawn, clutching my son to my shoulder and holding Dawn’s carrier high in the air as they toppled through the room and played some sort of combination Frozen, Tangled, Yo Gabba Gabba nightmare-fueled tag.
Rosie’s giggle was heartwarming. Sammy’s smile was the mirror image of his father. That made me nervous. My daughter was apparently crushing on the son of the notorious Jack Carson.
Maybe I could set her up in a nunnery instead of pre-school?
I tucked Dawn and Ethan together on a blanket in the corner and played defense as the older kids raced. Sammy tossed a ball to me. Rosie sprinted to catch it.
She was about as athletic as her mother.
She missed, and her curled little fist propelled forward. Right into my groin.
I sunk to my knees. It wasn’t the first time Rose nearly castrated me with a foot, fist, doll, or chair. The kid was dead-set on being an only child, but at least I’d knocked Piper up before anything bad happened. Now I reaped what I sowed.
“Daddy!” Rose rushed to me. Her little arms curled over my neck. “Sorry.”
I pulled her closer for a hug. There was once a time when this was frightening to me. Now I lived for hugs and brought athletic protectors home from the field.
I kissed her cheek. “It’s okay—”
Her whisper was creepy. One of the things kids did when they pretended to be an adult and scared the piss out of unsuspecting parents. “Next time…it’s your knees.”
“What?”
“Want a red car!”
Piper had assured Rose’s curses weren’t prophecy, just the ramblings of a three-year-old who knew just how to twist the knife. I pawed through Ethan’s diaper bag to find her toys, handed her a blue car, and made a note to do a little physical conditioning on my knees before training camp started.
“I’m back!” Piper returned with a smiling Nicky. “What’d I miss?”
Rose leapt to her feet. The car went flying and crashed into Sammy’s forehead. He plopped onto the ground and pouted.
“I gotta potty!” Rose rushed to the door.
Potty-training was a fucking godsend, but it meant dropping everything and rushing the baby to a toilet like she was a nuke about to detonate.
“Okay, you little meatball. Let’s go.” She shrugged at me. “Be right back.”
Sure.
That’s what she’d said the last time.
Dawn started fussing the instant the door shut. I could handle this. I plucked her from her seat and held her tight.
Too tight.
Found the problem, and it stained my shirt. She spit-up, but she gave a smile.
“Better?” I asked her. “Here.”
I lowered her to the blanket. Ethan also wiggled and fussed.
“Not you too.”
I picked him up. Should have expected it. These disasters came in clusters.
One wayward pat to his bottom and the floodgates opened. Unfortunately, his diaper didn’t catch it all. I groaned as a trickle of warmth dribbled on my shirt.
“You’re kidding me…” I held him away from me. “We had a deal!”
Puke in my hair. Piss on my shirt.
And Sammy had crawled under the fish tank cabinet, searching for a way to commune with the terrified Nemo who was just keeping swimming.
Piper retuned with Rosie.