my heart wrenched out of my chest.
What in the ever-loving fuck was happening here?
Some goddamned voodoo locked the door to my fridge, and it Indiana Jones boulder style rolled when I tried to open it.
A lock was tethered to the frame. Was that supposed to keep a kid out? Sure, it prevented little baby Rose from opening the door and getting into the roast for dinner, but who the fuck were they protecting when they turned the appliance into some Acme-grade Wile E. Coyote deadfall trap?
Great. The baby was safe, but the linebacker was nearly a pancake. The house wasn’t baby-proofed. It was booby-trapped.
That devious, conniving woman.
I knew Piper accepted the invitation a little too easily. She was salty enough about getting fired. This was her revenge. Spontaneous snares set around the house to inconvenience me. Gates in the hallway. Locks on the fridge. I’d probably find a bear traps in my bed.
Fine. I didn’t need a beer. I aimed for the cabinet housing my cups instead.
I tugged on the door.
Nothing.
“You’ve got to be shitting me.”
How in the ever-loving fuck did she manage to seal every one of my cabinets? I went down the line of cabinets, tugging on the tops, the bottoms, even the little ones over the stove.
Was she a mother or a magician? What sort of curse did she cast while I was gone?
“Need some help?”
I turned, fuming. Piper grinned, all cozy in a pink pajama set with a mug of cocoa snuggled in her hands.
“Hiya, roomie,” she said.
I growled and pointed to my kitchen. “What did you do?”
“The baby-proofing is all in place. Want me to show you how it works?”
“No. I want you to take it off my fucking things!”
“You said to baby-proof the mansion. I couldn’t have Rosie running around such a big house without any precautions.”
She claimed one of the island’s stools and set her baby monitor on the counter. Was it like a two-way radio? Couldn’t risk swearing. I bit down on my tongue. Better to bite it off than to subliminally corrupt the kid.
“I can help…if you ask nicely.” Piper enjoyed this too much. “I know cabinets can be tricky.”
“You…you locked everything up.”
“Can’t be too careful.”
“Am I being punished?”
“The bill is on the sink.”
“Do I even want to look?”
“The company said it was a delight to work here.” Piper smiled. “Said he could put his son through college on it.”
Fantastic. Was this what happened to all good guys when they tried to help?
Screw it, I was sticking to villainy from now on. It’d save me a couple grand and cause a lot less stress.
I had no way to get a damn drink of water, but I wasn’t playing into Piper’s hands. Screw the glasses and cups. I angled the sprayer on the sink and flipped on the water.
Close enough.
Piper wove some sort of plastic device in front of the cabinet door. It opened, and she showed me the locking contraption drilled into my beautiful, custom made cherry cabinets.
“It’s a mag-lock.” She winked. “Gotta have the magnetic key to open it.”
Magnets? Holy shit, I had a safe in the basement that was now less protected than my cutlery drawer.
I said nothing and headed to the nearest bathroom. Life wasn’t looking any better in there.
I nearly cracked the toilet lid before I spotted the plastic lock preventing me from getting anything done. I kicked it. It was solid.
What kind of baby-proofing company reinforced their product so strongly a linebacker couldn’t even piss in his own house?
I could go hungry. I could go thirsty. But I wasn’t pissing in my own damn sink.
Piper looked up from her phone as I slammed the bathroom door shut behind me. “Oh, I should have mentioned that. There’s a little button you push…”
“No.” I pointed a rage-trembling finger at her. “No. No buttons. No locks. No one takes a man’s bathroom away from him. I’m not religious, but even I recognize blasphemy when I see it.”
“Sorry to have…dethroned you.”
This woman. She loved every second of my torment.
I groaned. “Are they all like that?”
“They had a BOGO deal.”
“Great. So I’ll see the charges on your credit card bill?”
Piper hummed. “I would have paid for it, but you got me fired…”
Touché.
I stormed to the door.
“Where are you going?” Piper asked.
“Outside.”
“Why?”
“Fucking guess.”
I stomped to my garden and picked a leafy and unassuming bush. Somehow, pissing alone in the dark, quiet, and outdoors was the best goddamned part of my day.
I felt better after, but my hands still shook. Angry. Exhausted. Frustrated.
The