program on pause. “Come here.”
After a moment’s hesitation, Suri closed the door back and approached her mother. The two stared at each other a long while, before the older woman spoke.
“Suri, can I ask you a question?”
“Can I stop you?” Suri smiled.
“No, ya can’t, but you knew that already.” Mom took a long draw of her cigarette, then set it back down.
“How’d you get so brave, girl? You’re the exact opposite of me at your age. Probably why we’ve clashed so much over the years.” Suri’s heart began to race. Mom was sick, but not weak. She was haunted by her past, but still a fighter. “I mean, I’m not courageous, see?” The woman’s eyes glinted with a sheen of tears that she quickly blinked away. “Who taught you that, huh?” She really has no idea… “I’ve always admired that about you. I hated it, too, ’cause it made it hard to raise you sometimes; but baby, you’ve always had your own mind. Didn’t matter what others thought. You were so feisty as a child, I knew not to have anymore. One of you was enough. I couldn’t chance it.”
Suri chuckled and crossed her arms.
“I’m not always brave. I just know how to play the role. Sometimes, you got to fake it before you make it.”
“Hmmm! Words of wisdom. I can dig it. You inspire me, baby.” You inspire me more, Mom. “I could nevah just date whoever, no matter what, ya know?”
“And just why not?”
“Call it too much Black pride, whatever.” She shrugged then sucked her teeth. “I’ve had guys who weren’t Black that would ask me out all the time, when I still looked like something, Suri. Some of ’em were nice lookin’ too. Some had good jobs… shit like that. I just couldn’t do it.”
“Do you regret that now?”
“I think so… Actually, yeah, I do regret it, Suri. I don’t think the grass is greener on either side of the field, though. Men are men, no matter what color they come in. I know that now. But I also accept simple math. The more of somethin’ you have to choose from, the better your odds of finding someone right for you.” Mom hung her head and ate a forkful of her fried rice. “At first, I blamed it on a lack of attraction. I told myself, ain’t nothin’ more gorgeous than a Black man. And I still believe that Suri, but I knew I was using that as a scapegoat, too. An excuse.”
“Drink some of that tea.”
“No. Now, here I am, old as hell and single, and maybe, if I had let that Jewish boy take me out, or that sexy ass Dominican man drive me around town in his big ol’ car, I’d have somebody to love ’nd hold right now. Black men have told me I got too much attitude. Maybe I do.” She shrugged. “But, maybe, if I had been like my daughter and kept my options open, I coulda at least have had someone to break bread with, stargaze with, go to plays ’nd shit with, and to help me see that my attitude was small compared to my love.”
“Sometimes, Mom, when people tell us we have an attitude, that’s synonymous with having standards. Don’t apologize for it.”
“Yeah, you might be right.” Mom had a faraway gaze, as if she were looking past herself, past her own thoughts. “Suri, I’ve always been a girlfriend. Never a wife. I wanted to be married. I know you said that’s not so important to you, but for me it was.” Mom sniffed, her sad expression turning tight with anger. “So glad you didn’t set yourself up to end up like me. I like how you date Black men, Hispanic men, White men, any kinda man. You like ’em pretty though. Some of your exes were gorgeous. Not my taste. I like my men a bit more rugged, but you always had an eye for the most stunning man in the room. And you’d get ’em, too.” Mom smiled and wiped a tear from her eye.
In that moment, Mom looked so damn pretty… so vulnerable… so innocent.
“That’s because I just wanted to have sex with them, or get some free food from a fancy restaurant and then send them on their way. They completed a fantasy for me.”
“Girl!” Mom shook her head and laughed. “I could’ve done without those details. You out here tellin’ me you ho-in’ for a steak and some fries.” They both burst out