love someone. It’s a choice to hurt someone over and over again. My behavior, Suri, is in direct reaction to the fucked up world around us.”
“But not everything is messed up. You can find beauty and a lesson in almost anything and anyone, King. That’s all I’m saying. Ugliness sometimes provides beauty. It comes in the form of a raincheck.”
“Life is not pretty. I don’t pretend it is, Suri. Simple as that. Why should I have to roll around in a dumpster on the chance of finding a fuckin’ ten dollar bill?” Her smile slowly faded. “I can appreciate a bee’s stinger without putting myself in a position of feeling the puncture. I can understand that fire is hot and can be harmful without jamming my fingers into a flame, to feel the burn. Every time someone stabs you in the back, intentionally hurts you, they leave a mark. You can’t see it, you may not even recognize it right away, but it has affected you, scared you. You start to trust a little less, become more suspicious. It’s the natural built-in mechanism in all of us, to learn from our mistakes and survive.
“Sometimes we ignore that little warning though. We rip it off like the scratchy tag on the back of a shirt before we’ve read the laundering instructions. I don’t need emotionally stunted and low vibrational people in my life to teach me how to make a mean soufflé, simply because they taught me to hate myself, too. So, is that the price I have to pay? Providing benevolence to the unworthy in hopes of a plastic dime store prize?”
“Is that what you think this is?”
“That’s what I know this is.” He chuckled dismally, shaking his head in disbelief. “If it cost a penny, the shit would still be too fuckin’ expensive. By avoiding bullshit, my peace of mind is free.” He flopped back in his seat, cigar in hand, and whistled as the crowd amped up to welcome the new song and encourage the band.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Suri run her hand along her knee, as if deliberating on his words. The sounds of guitars strumming and mic checks ensued as the band geared up to begin their second song. Minutes passed and the mood lightened. Just like her smile did to a room. It wasn’t long before he had her tasting Jim Beam Signature whiskey, and King’s Road, too. The woman laughed and shared hilarious stories, her tongue looser. She was free. She didn’t seem to have an unhappy bone in her body, and his bone was never unhappy when it was inside of her. He steepled his fingers and watched her, heard every damn word she spoke. And the way her body swayed, traveled her gaze and moved her limbs intrigued him, too.
“I can’t stop sitting here, my mind wandering, wanting to get away somewhere and fuck you.” That was the truth. “I take you to one of the few places where we are allowed to both smoke and drink in New York City, show you a good time, listen to great music, and this is amazing, ya know? I’m feeling you, in every way.”
Elbow on the table, she rested her face against her hand.
“I’m feeling you, too.”
“And even with the shit we don’t agree on, Suri, I like hearing your perspective because you’re intelligent, and you know how to present your case. I’m stubborn. I can be arrogant at times when it comes to my beliefs, I guess you could say.
“And you rarely think you’re wrong.” She looked at him dreamily, admiring him, perhaps hating him a little, too.
“I probably don’t like being wrong, baby, but if someone can show me proof that I’ve misjudged, mis-stepped, misconstrued anything, then I will stand corrected and take a bow at their feet.”
“All of this, this shit right here… this vibe, this gift of friendship, lust and intelligence wasn’t supposed to happen.” He nodded in agreement. “Are we going to keep going forward, knowing we’ll probably bump heads, have ridiculously great sex and give each other headaches?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t motivated to move forward. It’s good… I like this, all of this, but, uh, my mind keeps going back to the darkest, softest, wettest parts of you.” Her eyes hooded as she smirked, looking him up and down as if he were made of all the bad things in the world combined.
“Are you going to give me back my