me.” He felt it stirring in his heart as he, for the first time, gave a voice to the feeling. “I haven’t been able to mourn losing the guy I was. I went from… I mean, my biggest issues last year involved pining after a closeted hockey coach and whether or not I’d be able to afford going up to visit Abel in Vancouver. My problems were so goddamn simple.”
As the grief washed over him, he felt the levees break.
And the words tumbled out of him, without regard for how they made him sound. “In retrospect, I see what a kid I’ve been. My mom busted her ass so I wouldn’t have to, and it made me spoiled. I get that. I know how to pull my weight, but not really. I worked part time at her inn and at a bookstore. I went to school. I still took my fucking bike to the beach. I didn’t restore an old truck like my brother did—I just borrowed his when he moved to Seattle. I had hockey, I dicked around with the twins…” It blew his mind how fast his spirit could crash to the ground. “I never saw myself as spoiled before. Single mom, four boys—we lived on a tight budget. And my best friend lived in a millionaire’s estate. His dad is a former rock star, for fuck’s sake. We snuck on to his yacht to get away from parents and homework.”
Was this a bad time to have life-altering revelations or what?
“I had it easy,” he went on quietly. “I remember you telling me that the human traffickers specifically requested guys with wholesome backgrounds. And that it was part of the sadistic thrill, because we don’t cope as well when everything gets taken away from us.” How fucking true that turned out to be. “I know I sound selfish and juvenile, but I feel robbed of a lot of things I’d hoped for in the future. Simple shit, like maybe meeting you under normal circumstances. Developing a silly crush, flirting with you while you stand behind the bar at your restaurant, calling Abel in the middle of the night because I can’t stop thinking about you.” Gray blinked past the burn in his eyes and took the next exit. He needed to stretch his legs and get some air. “And then Jayden came into my life. I didn’t stand a motherfucking chance against that punk. Instead of contacting an adoption agency in a couple years, maybe after I graduated from college, he was like, ‘Here I am, good luck resisting the charms of Philly’s own Oliver Twist.’”
Darius snorted softly next to him.
“I’m sorry that I’m being difficult, Darius. But you’re the one thing I don’t want to rush anything with. I want to enjoy every second of normalcy we can get, and that includes the uncertainty of ‘does he, doesn’t he’ and letting our relationship develop naturally.”
Darius sighed and observed Gray for a beat. “You’re not being difficult, knucklehead. I’ve been there. We joke about our age difference, but it would be weird if we never hit any serious hurdles over it.”
“What do you mean?” Gray asked warily. The word “serious” didn’t sound awesome.
“I mean that, when I was your age, I didn’t want anything set in stone either,” he replied. “Hell, up until last year, I could barely spell commitment—”
“I’m not afraid of commitment.” Gray shot him an incredulous look and hoped they wouldn’t have problems in that department. “I just don’t want any steps forward to be the result of a sacrifice. Like, fuck, I want you to possibly want a family because it feels right, because you want to be a father, not because the guy you’re seeing happens to wanna adopt a kid who deserves a family.”
They’d reached a truck stop with a couple diners and a gas station, and Darius waited to reply until they were both out of the vehicle.
Gray grabbed a bottle of water from the back seat.
Darius lit up a cigarette. “Can I speak now?”
Gray resisted rolling his eyes. “I’ll allow it.”
“Thanks. I was only making a point about how we change over time. When I was young, I wanted to live day-to-day and let the dice roll. Especially with relationships—but that’s me. Not saying it’s you.” He took a drag from his smoke. “But the rest—I wanna have shit settled nowadays. Back in the day, I didn’t care whose couch I crashed on. Now I wanna be able to come