Gray got to celebrate him properly. He wanted to go all out, and he’d already come up with a theme for the gifts. But for one of them, he sort of needed permission.
“By the way, how is that speaking of?” Darius wondered.
“Because it’s related to growing things,” Gray replied. “When I saw Mom yesterday, she went on about the orchard Aiden is preparing for her, and it got me thinking. Maybe I could give you that for your birthday…? According to her, you can get almost fully mature trees from nurseries that are just a year or two away from bearing fruit.” He shifted in his seat, a little uncomfortable. It would be the first permanent fixture of the cabin he’d be responsible for, and he didn’t want to step on any toes too soon. “She told me I’d need at least two trees. Something about them pollinating each other, which, if you ask me, sounds dirty AF.” Shit, he needed to stop rambling. “Anyway. I looked at your plans, and there’s open space at the end of…whatyouwannacallit. Or if you want them around the cabin. I don’t know. I was just thinking.”
He was met by silence, and it was the one thing he couldn’t handle. Not right now. Not after that embarrassing harangue, so he side-eyed Darius and found him smiling.
Good sign, he hoped.
“That would be a fantastic gift, knucklehead.”
Oh, thank fuck.
Gray exhaled in relief and loosened his grip on the wheel.
“I’ve looked at some of those nurseries before, though,” Darius went on. “They’re not cheap.”
“Well, that’s another topic I broached with her yesterday,” Gray said. “I wanna start working again, but since apple trees need to be transplanted early… I forget what she said, something about frost. Either way, I’ll be able to pay her back for the gift soon. She needs more permanent staff at the inn, and it’s a job I don’t need training for. I grew up there.”
He was getting ready; he could feel it. Being solid with Darius was a big motivator. Gray wanted to pitch in and be able to catch up. And things had changed at the inn. Back when Gray first needed a job, Mom couldn’t afford to give him more than a couple shifts every week. That was why he’d taken that other job at the bookstore.
Mom was on the fence even now, though for other reasons than money. Gray had lost count of how many times she had urged him to take things slowly, but there was such a thing as too slow.
“Is that what you want to do?” Darius asked. “Not go back to school?”
Gray shook his head. “Not in the near future, anyway. In a few years? Maybe. But my priorities are different. I gotta think about Jayden, and, to be honest, I just want things settled. I want him close to me, I want a paycheck every month, and I wanna come home to you at the end of the day.”
Darius hummed. Then he stowed away their empty coffee mugs and pushed down the armrest between them. “Couple things we should talk about there.” He rested his hand on the armrest, palm open. A silent hint.
Gray threaded their fingers together. “I’m listening.”
“Given how vocal I’ve been about never wanting a wife and kids, I’ll spell this out for you. Shit has changed for me too, Gray. You won’t be in this alone. With him, I mean.”
Oh God, no, stop. Gray felt the strongest urge to shrink away and escape the conversation. He withdrew his hand again. “Can we save this topic for later? It’s too soon. It doesn’t feel right.” In fact, it put a rock of discomfort in his gut. “We’ve never even been on a first date, and we’re talking about sacrifices and responsibilities. I get that everything is completely fucking backward, so let’s not make it worse.”
Darius straightened in his seat and grew serious. “To make things worse, it has to be bad already. Are they?”
“No! Not like—fuck.” Gray released a breath, frustrated, and rubbed his forehead. He didn’t know how to explain himself, and he’d been avoiding thinking about it. He just had this feeling. Like an alarm bell going off inside him, telling him not to go too far. “The way I feel about you—I haven’t… Shit.” Great, now he could barely form words. “I don’t wanna mess things up by going too fast.” That was better. “Nothing in our lives is normal anymore, and there’s…there’s a sense of loss in