the edge of the counter near where he was working. “Giuliana had her four-month check-up today.”
“Ah, was she fussy from getting s-shots? Poor sweetheart. I assume the doctor told you she was perfect,” Javi joked.
“Obviously,” I laughed. “But he also said I could start feeding her some cereals.”
Javi finished the final plate and grabbed a towel to wipe the counters, but not before stopping to look at me with a dazzling smile. “I bet that felt huge for you.”
“Yes! And I was at the store, and there were so many choices. But then this other dad came over and helped. Richard. He’s a single dad like me. It was such a relief to connect with someone, you know? Like, he knew exactly what I’d been hung up on. We exchanged numbers so we can do coffee playdates sometimes.”
“Huh,” was all Javi said, but he suddenly became very focused on cleaning the already spotless counters. “That’s nice.”
It was clear from his tone, he thought it was far from nice. My stomach felt sour, far from the light happiness I’d been feeling all day. “What’s wrong?”
“N-nothing.”
In the past I may have let it go, but by now, I understood some of his tells. “Are you jealous?”
Javi refused to meet my gaze, but red crept up his neck and tipped his ears. “N...n-no.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Kyle was jealous. Super envious. And I let him be, because I wanted to make him happy. But over time it grew out of control, and he monitored a lot of my friendships. I’m your boyfriend, telling you about my day, and I don’t want to feel like I have to hide things that happened to me. Jealousy is a dealbreaker for me, Javi. I need you to trust me.” Being so firm managed to make me feel proud of myself and shitty, like I was somehow being too hard on Javi, especially when all I got in return was silence. When he finally met my pleading look, his eyes were so sad I almost slid off the counter, pulled him into my arms, and told him I was sorry and didn’t mean any of it. But I stayed put, waiting.
“My parents were d-drug addicts. D...d-dad died of an overdose and mom ran away. That’s why I was in the foster c-care system.”
It felt like all of my insides had fallen through the floor, leaving me emptied and cold. I’d known Javi had grown up in the foster care system, but he’d never told me how he got there before. “Oh, Javi.”
“B..b-before I lost them, they made fun of my s-s-stutter. My d-dad said he wanted to s-slap me each time I messed up, because maybe I’d s-stop if it meant getting hurt. And they were far f-from the last to make me feel b-b-b-b...make me feel less than. S-self-esteem is hard for me. I s-sign so I can feel in c-c-control, b-but the stutter controls me. It, and all that past s-s-shit, make me question my worth. All of the time.”
He exhaled as if he’d run a marathon. I felt such a wave of emotions—I wanted to kick the shit out of his parents for what they did. I wanted to save past-Javi from a system that would break him down. I wanted so desperately to tell him what I saw when I looked at him, someone beautiful and talented and special.
But I didn’t get the chance.
Javi hung the towel by the oven and straightened. “I s-should have t-told you this first. B-but I’m not in a good enough place to not feel jealous or threatened. Maybe s-starting something with you was a s...s-s-s-...was a b-bad idea.”
My mouth hung open. How did we go from talking about my day to that? It felt critical to not say the wrong thing right now. Javi looked so frail, like a piece of tissue being pulled at from all sides, and I couldn’t bear the thought of causing another rip in his heart. But because I couldn’t do anything right, it seemed, my silence sent him hurrying out the door.
“Javi, wait!” I followed him. But as I was pulling on my shoes, Giuliana’s cry rang out through the house. Damnit! Now I was the one being torn, knowing I needed to go to Javi but unable to leave my daughter upset and alone in the house.
I’m such an insensitive prick. Why did I have to be such a jerk about the jealousy? I’d been thinking about