I’d been out loud about my feelings in far too long. In the aftermath, though, there was a moment I was afraid I’d puke up my dinner.
Woozy and scared shitless, I pulled my hand from under Javi’s. “I understand if you want to go.”
Javi didn’t say anything, and there was an infuriating blankness to his features that didn’t allow me to get a read on his feelings. I needed him to say something, but I’d also learned that Javi needed time to think about what he wanted to say. If I rushed him, he’d stutter, and then he’d get embarrassed and run. And I really didn’t want him to run. But I also needed some sort of answer.
“Javi? Oh, shit, I’ve blown it, haven’t I?” My hands raked hard through my hair, pulling until the roots protested in pain. I shouldn’t have said anything.
Javi’s chair squeaked against the wood floor, and I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. But while I prepared myself for him to walk out, Javi just stood there.
And when I gathered the courage to look him in the eye, his gaze was blazing with heat. I gulped. Javi stalked around the dinner table toward me, licking his lips. He leaned in close, and I saw his throat bob as he swallowed. He’s as nervous as I am, I thought, before his mouth crushed into mine and I wasn’t thinking about anything at all.
Javi’s full lips were every bit as soft as I’d imagined, but demanding in a way that left me breathless. His mouth moved against me like we’d been kissing for ages, perfectly molded. His hands were in my hair then, holding me secure as the kiss deepened. Javi’s tongue traced my lower lip and my mouth parted with a moan just for him.
Slowly, I stood, not wanting to break the kiss. My hands moved to his waist, and I could feel the taut muscles I’d always admired under the soft jersey of his t-shirt. His skin was hot and soft as I touched it, stroking every available inch of his abs, his back. Javi moved closer and groaned when he felt the hard ridge of my cock. It strained against my jeans painfully, and I wanted nothing more than to touch and be touched. But that kiss… I couldn’t bear the thought of it ending, either.
He slid his tongue into my mouth and I groaned. Javi began to rock himself into me, a slow and tantalizing pressure that did all kinds of things to the nerves in my cock. He dragged his lips away from my mouth, kissing and nipping down my neck, his hand sliding to the front of my jeans. When he cupped my cock, stroking me through the denim, I hissed and my hips bucked. If he kept this up, I’d come in my pants like a goddamned teenager.
Giuliana gurgled from her playmat on the floor nearby, and we pulled apart; I gulped before bursting out in a high, staccato laughter. I had just made out in front of my daughter. My infant daughter, who had no idea what making out even was, but still. Yet...it didn’t feel wrong. It felt like the promise I hadn’t known I needed, that kiss, and if Javi was going to have any part of my life, it meant Giuliana was a part of us, too.
That didn’t mean I wanted to continue kissing in front of her, though.
“Let me put her to bed,” I said. My voice was low and rough. “Don’t leave.”
I wanted to whine at the sudden absence of his heat, missing the press of his body immediately. Luckily, bedtime had never gone more smoothly. Maybe that was Giuliana’s way of encouraging me, but she didn’t fight the diaper change or the quick bottle before bed. I sang one song, and her eyes were already shut. She didn’t stir when I transferred her to the crib and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead.
I stood at the top of the stairs, forehead pressed to the wall. Was this really happening? Was I about to do this? There was a fleeting moment when old thoughts warred within. All the shit about not having space for someone, about needing to focus on the baby. About not being able to stand the hurt of being left again. But they fizzled out as fast as they popped up.
We’d been going through the motions, Javi and me. Instead of acting on the lust I’d originally felt