it. Now I was really curious. “You’re not in trouble, are you?” I asked.
“No.” His laugh was breathy, so not like him. “I’m not in trouble.”
“What is it?” I asked, my chest tight.
“Tonight’s going to be my first time,” he breathed, his voice rough.
My mouth parted, and the blood in my veins turned to ice. Carson was going to have sex, with Sarah. Moisture sprang to my eyes for a million reasons I didn’t understand and one I did.
I’d been holding on to Carson, on to the possibility of a crazy story that he and I could somehow be meant for each other. But I’d been wrong, and now I was crying, and he was looking at me with a doubtful look, and I never wanted my best friend to look like that after telling me such big news.
“I’m sorry—” he began.
I shook my head, not wanting to know why he felt sorry for me. He deserved a friend that would celebrate him. I launched in to hug him. “Don’t be sorry,” I said through my tears. “I’m happy for you.”
“You don’t think it’s a mistake?” His big arms held me close, and it felt like home.
I pulled back, wiping away my tears. “You love her, right?”
He nodded. Another knife through the heart.
“And you’ll be careful?”
Another nod.
His phone dinged, but he ignored it.
“Then it’s your decision,” I said. “Whatever feels right.”
His lips twitched, and he nodded. The reminder chime went off, and he glanced at it. “Sarah’s ready.” His eyes searched mine for a moment. “Are you okay?”
I forced a smile and nodded. “I’ll see you around?”
He nodded, then stood. Before walking out the door, he said, “You’re still my best friend, Callie.”
My smile trembled. “You’re mine too.”
After he left, I cried and cried for everything Sarah had that I didn’t. I cried for all the memories I had with Caron in here. For the “first time” everyone at school thought we had when we were too young to even know what that meant.
But then I picked myself up because what was the alternative? Carson had moved on, and I needed to as well.
I got in Mom’s minivan and drove to a shelter called Nature. And I cried some more as Nick recited a poem he wrote about losing the person you used to call home.
Eight
Seventeen Years Old
CARSON
Sarah’s parents were out at some home goods show, looking for ways to make their already perfect house more perfect. Sometimes when they were gone, we just sat on the couch and watched TV. They had a giant screen, and Sarah seemed happy to just sit tucked under my arm and just be. Which sounded perfect, but honestly, it was just kind of boring.
Sarah moved from her spot under my arm and lay down on my lap. “What do you want to do later?” she asked.
I shrugged and began playing with her hair. “We could go hang out at Callie’s?”
“Ugh. We’re always hanging out at Callie’s. All we do is watch her brother and that guy play video games.”
She wasn’t wrong. Sarah and I didn’t talk a lot nowadays. We were either watching TV or making out. And yeah, I was a guy, so I wasn’t about to complain about kissing my girlfriend, but it wasn’t all that I wanted out of a relationship. Especially not with Sarah constantly reminding me she was ready for the next step after I’d backed out last time.
We’d been set to do it on our five-month anniversary, but it just didn’t feel right. And maybe it was the Cook Family Curse at work, but it felt like there was something missing. A piece of me that was gone when Sarah and I were together, and it made me feel like a piece of crap. Because I liked Sarah. So why did it all feel wrong?
“What do you want to do instead?” I asked, trying to change the subject, to focus on something different.
“We could go hang out at Poppy’s? Maybe hot tub?”
I looked toward the ceiling, trying to hide just how awful that sounded. First of all, hot tubs were gross. Second of all, Poppy’s mom always hit on me. Always. And her daughter was no better. Poppy tried playing footsie with me in the hot tub every time Sarah wasn’t looking.
“Why don’t you ever want to spend time at my friends’ houses?” Sarah’s question was loaded, and from years of watching my parents fight, I knew we were about to get into one. I just wanted