of her, and all of this was probably some last gasp at control. And hanging on because life had already forced her to let go of the single other most important relationship in her life.
A sob did escape then.
She didn’t want to go on a date. She didn’t want to be with someone else.
But maybe she needed to do this. Go on some dates. Get out of her house. Figure out who she was without Jacob.
Without Emma.
But she probably did need friends. But she’d let some of her long-standing friendships go fallow as she’d dealt with her life.
At least she had Anna. This new, tenuous relationship with her sister that was building up slowly and surely as the weeks wore on.
But right now she just felt alien. Disconnected. Like she was forcing herself to eat broccoli so she could maybe someday have the hope of dessert.
Dessert—in this instance—was a life that didn’t feel so sharp. So painful. Where she had easy friendships, and maybe enjoyed going out on dates.
Where she found men that she liked to kiss, and maybe even sleep with.
She didn’t think she’d ever get married again.
That thought actually made her...excited.
She didn’t have to be a wife if she didn’t want to be. She could let go of the responsibility.
Vows that bound you to a man through everything. That wrapped your life in theirs so tight it was one.
She loved Jacob. She didn’t think of him as work, not as more work than any marriage was.
But marriage was work.
And she didn’t have to enter into that kind of relationship ever again.
But she hadn’t chosen the loss of her marriage. And she wouldn’t have.
But it had happened. So she had to find a new way to live, and figure out what she wanted that new state of living to look like.
Rachel felt numb, and she didn’t have anyone to talk to. Even if she could talk to Emma right now, this would not be the subject she would want to broach.
Her friendships had fallen by the wayside.
Anna.
Of course, she could talk to Anna. Her little sister wasn’t little anymore, and she likely would understand more about this whole situation and the reasons behind why Rachel had said yes than even Rachel would.
She grabbed a shawl off the peg by the door and wrapped herself in it, charging down toward the Shoreman’s Cabin, which was at the bottom of the winding path that led right to the beach. The little building was nestled in a cove, surrounded by rocks that kept it safe from the waves.
It had been built sometime in the 1930s, and had largely been inhabited by lone fishermen over the years.
And right now, it was inhabited by her sister.
Rachel knocked firmly, and when the door opened, Anna greeted her with round eyes. “What are you doing down here?”
“I said yes to going on a date with Mark. From the plumbing store.”
“You’d better come in.”
Rachel accepted the offer happily, though was slightly worried that the instant access she’d been granted spoke volumes about the fact that what she had done was a little bit crazy. And worthy of a sisterly intervention.
“I just heated up some water. You want some tea?”
“As long as there’s whiskey in it.”
Anna laughed. “That’s disgusting. Let’s try it.”
“Do you really have whiskey?”
“I do,” Anna said. “Which is a little bit wild, all things considered.”
“I guess pastors’ wives are not supposed to have bottles of whiskey?”
“Having a glass of wine at dinner with you and Mom was considered edgy by my husband.”
“Really?”
“He never would have said anything at the house. But...yeah, he was always a little bit irritated when I would have one. Anyway. We’re not here to talk about me. Tell me about your date.” She gestured to a small table with two chairs in the kitchen. One was red, one yellow. Anna opened up a cupboard, took out to teacups that were mismatched and poured hot water into them.
“I just... I don’t know. I don’t have feelings for him. Not like that. I don’t know if I’ll ever have feelings for anyone like that again. I know that I want to. But I have to...do something. And it’s not moving on.”
Anna moved around, a ginger blur of motion, strands of hair escaping from her bun as she readied the tea bags and put a generous amount of whiskey into each cup. Then she set one in front of Rachel, and put one in front of the empty chair, before taking her seat.
“It’s just