with Jacob. Focused on everything they did have. And it was only now that he was gone she was starting to think about all the things they hadn’t had. It didn’t feel fair. It felt disloyal.
“What?” Anna asked, stepping down from the chair, the ladybugs thoroughly vanquished.
“Just thinking about Emma.”
“Are you?” It was clear from the look on her sister’s face that she didn’t quite believe her.
Rachel hesitated. “No. I’m thinking about me. But it’s stupid. There’s no point to it. Not to any of it.”
“What? What’s going on?”
“I just...” She blew out a breath, trying to ease the knot of tension that had built in her chest. “I keep thinking about what you said to me. About the way that Michael made you feel. I haven’t thought about my body in a long time. I haven’t thought about being beautiful. I’ve been comfortable. I’ve been with a man who loved me, and he always... He always made me feel beautiful. And it’s hard to explain the way that our relationship changed, because I feel like I’m saying it was lacking something, but it wasn’t. It was all that it could’ve been. And I never dwelled on what we didn’t have. But now I’m starting to feel like I... Like I miss it. Because I could have it. I mean, that’s the thing. When I was with Jacob, I had Jacob. Now that I don’t have him—”
“It makes sense,” Anna said. “You miss what you don’t have. All that you don’t have. Because you don’t have anything to fill the void.”
“Exactly. And Emma would be a great distraction. I don’t like thinking about me. I don’t like thinking about my feelings. It was easier in so many ways to just throw myself into being a caregiver. Then it wasn’t about me.”
“And how bad you felt.”
“I guess,” Rachel said. She laughed. “God knows it’s not because I’m actually selfless.”
“I don’t know,” Anna said. “You’re about the most selfless person I know.”
Rachel shook her head. “That’s the thing. I’m not. I’m just a person.” She saw a ladybug crawling on the wall, and she moved her hand, letting the little thing crawl up on her finger. She opened up the window, the old thing sticking as she shoved it upward. The view of the ocean was below, and the mountains that curved around the inlet—stunning. She let the little bug out onto the roof. “This one gets to live.”
“But if it comes back, I’m just going to vacuum it up.”
“Do what you have to in pursuit of debugging,” Rachel said. “Anyway. It’s not as simple as me being a good person, you’re right. There was a blessing in being busy, and having something to do. There’s a reason that I never hired someone to come care for him at home. Better to stay busy. To focus on everything that was right there, Emma and Jacob, and it kept me fulfilled. Even though my heart was breaking, I was fulfilled. My life was full. Now I’m sitting around thinking about me. And I want to feel pretty.”
The admission caused a whole avalanche of terror to rain down inside her. “Anna,” she said. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go out and find a man to have sex with. A new man. The very idea horrifies me.”
“It’s not really that horrifying,” Anna said. The corners of her mouth kicked up into a smile. “Rachel, you’re—you’re a woman and you’re beautiful and don’t you want to be able to feel that?”
“I mean, I can feel it on my own,” she said dryly. “I’ve had to a great many times over the years.”
Anna cackled. “Well, you and me both. But don’t you think it would be nice for you to...be with someone who could take care of some things? At least...climax things?”
“I love Jacob. I loved being married to him. But the idea of being in a relationship again makes me want to crawl into that bed and sleep forever. Ladybugs be damned.”
“You don’t have to be in a relationship with someone to have sex with them,” Anna said.
“Speaking from your vast experience?”
“Well, no. Okay, I didn’t go into my... I thought I was in love with him,” she said. “I thought he was going to take me away from Thomas and marry me. And I would have gone. I still wanted to get married. Even though I hated my marriage. That’s still... In my head that’s the inevitable end.”
Rachel sagged, feeling