so grateful. I have learned more from you than I’ve learned from anyone. I know exactly what to expect from a good man in the future. You taught me not to settle for less than the best.”
As I’m talking, I cup one side of his face. My heart patters out an SOS. The big speech I’ve given both out loud and to myself a few times is kind of a crock.
Not even kind of. It’s total crap.
My lie hits me with the force of a closed fist. I close my eyes and swear I see stars. When I reopen them I’m lost in the golden brown of Benji’s stare. The truth is I never want this to end. Even though I’m sure about me marrying in the future. As sure as he is that he’s not. Even though the cleanest way out is to cut our losses. Even though everything I told him is ultimately what’s best for both of us, I don’t want any of it to happen.
I love him too much to let him go. The idea of him with another woman is pure agony. I want to scream and beat his chest for asking to stay. I can’t stay. Not like this.
If I do, I’ll grow to resent him, even while stripping out of my clothes and riding his cock for the relief we both seek. Or maybe because of that, since I’ll be falling deeper and deeper in love with him as he holds me at arm’s length. He’ll be embedded deep in my body, but he’ll never let me into his heart. Not all the way.
There is also no way in hell he can know how I feel about him. His heart isn’t mine for the claiming, which sucks, but I won’t risk losing him entirely.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Benji
If I haven’t mentioned it a time or three already, Cris is absolutely right.
Her reminding me of our agreement at the beginning was brave and totally the right call. But she also agreed we didn’t have to stop sleeping together right away. Thank God. My idea of never having an end date was kind of crazy. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I made that suggestion.
She’s going to want to move on with her life. I can’t monopolize her time indefinitely. Well, I can. Totally tempting given how I know I’ll feel when she’s with someone else, but shit. I’m not a total dick. What I am is a dedicated bachelor. Eventually she’ll meet a guy who’s not. Maybe have a few babies.
I hate that. But she deserves to be happy.
I’m half embarrassed to admit I was caught up in the emotions bleeding out of Nate as he worshipped Vivian at their engagement party. His proclamations weren’t made with sweat clinging to his forehead or with a shake of doubt in the hand holding the microphone. He was certain. How the hell does he do that? He’s so damn transparent it’s galling.
During his speech, happy tears shined in Cris’s eyes. I wanted her hopeful smile to last forever. Then she admitted she was a romantic, and I started wondering why she never told me.
And then I started considering the things I’ve been doing for her. Like the rose petals and artisanal donuts the night she gave me her virginity. The fancy Thai dinner before I whisked her into a hotel room to blow her mind once again. The day I packed her car with pink roses and carried her to bed after.
Romance squared.
So okay, I was caught up before the party, but the party definitely put me in the mindset to suggest we don’t stop. Nate’s speech to Vivian was really something. Not the words he said so much as the way he looked at her when he said them. Like he’d reached up and plucked her out of the sky. Or maybe like she’d fallen and he caught her.
Ha. Actually, that did happen. Anyway, Vivian has changed since meeting Nate. She used to be guarded and hard. Careful and calculating. On Saturday night her smile was easy and her eyes only for him. I saw in those two something I swore I couldn’t trust.
Permanence.
It looked damn good too. Easy, like Vivian’s smile. I thought maybe I had it wrong. Maybe I could achieve permanence too. But, like I said, Cris was right. I was caught up, is all. Who wouldn’t be? Nate and Vivian swept up everyone in their happiness whirlpool. Good for them. I mean