my own. It was one of the reasons I struggled with the idea of hiring a nanny. I should want to be a mum—all the time. Not just during non-working hours. But I couldn’t imagine actually doing it. Worse, I couldn’t imagine I’d be any good at it. “How do you know?” I repeated tearfully. “I don’t want to move to the country or drive big cars or give up my company.”
“Wanting things or not wanting them doesn’t decide who you are as a person,” Clara said softly. “And wanting a career and a baby doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad mom.”
“Maybe I’m not meant to be a mother. Maybe—”
“You aren’t her,” Clara cut me off. “You aren’t your mother.”
It took me a second to process what she said. When it finally sunk in, I pulled the gas mask back over my face. I didn’t have to let my anxiety and fear take control. I needed to calm down. Suddenly, I realized I’d let panic take hold of me.
“You’ve been worrying about this for months, haven’t you?” she guessed. “Belle, you aren’t your mother. I saw how she was the other night. I imagine that only made it worse, but the good news is that we aren’t actually doomed to be our parents. Look at me. And Alexander.”
And Smith, I thought. I hadn’t wanted to tell him about my fears because I was worried that if he didn’t feel the same way, I might plant the idea in his head. I closed my eyes, finally understanding why I hadn’t been able to leash the raging bitch that had shown up on the way to the hospital.
“You think he still wants me to have his baby?” I asked flatly.
Clara grinned. “He looked like a ghost. He can’t stand being apart from you.”
“Yeah?” Maybe it was the nitrous, but I was starting to feel not only calmer, but a lot more prepared.
“Do you want me to get him?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to respond and doubled over, grabbing the tight ball my belly had become. The contraction lasted forever despite Clara’s patient reminder that it would end eventually. When I finally caught my breath, she winked. “I think I better get him sooner rather than later.”
I nodded. Maybe it would be minutes or hours or days still, but I knew one thing for sure. I wanted Smith by my side through all of it.
13
Smith
I never thought I would look at anyone and find her as beautiful as Belle.
And then I met my daughter.
Her hair was so fine it looked like strands of silver that curled at her tiny ears. She was still pink from the vigorous rubdown the nurse had given her after birth. She hadn’t been too pleased by that and had quickly demonstrated that she had my lung capacity. But once she’d been handed to Belle, she’d quieted immediately, looking to her with wide, searching eyes.
After Clara and Alexander had gone, I’d taken her so Belle could rest. I’d always known my wife was strong, but watching her bring life into the world proved even I’d underestimated the power inside her. I kept stealing glances at her while she slept, amazed that she’d chosen me to receive this gift.
She needed the sleep, and I’d been more than pleased to have the quiet time to study each of my daughter’s tiny fingers. They wrapped around my index finger as she slept on my chest. How on earth could anything be so perfect? I felt like I’d known her my whole life, and like I couldn’t wait to see who she would become. I was head-over-heels in love.
I’d been staring at her for an hour when Belle interrupted my reverie, “What do you think, Daddy?”
I carried the pink bundle over to her, carefully passing her to her mother. She woke with a squawk and immediately nuzzled her face against Belle’s skin, searching for milk. Belle had never looked more perfect than when she had our daughter in her arms.
“Have you decided?” I asked Belle softly, not wanting to startle her.
Belle glanced up, confusion clouding her blue eyes before she smiled. “I guess I’m still tired. What am I deciding?”
“On her name, beautiful.” I bit back a smile. I knew she was exhausted, and I couldn’t blame her after what she’d gone through. “We can wait a little longer. I know we hadn’t really narrowed them down.”
There was no rush. Everything was perfect. We were exactly where we were meant to be,