here. “If that’s how you truly feel, then go and make your slice of Heaven with the Englishman.”
I remember Dimitri’s face as he called me a whore. He will never agree to this arrangement. I know him—once he forms an opinion, he won’t let it go. My chest wells up with such a sharp emotion that I stop breathing for a second. “Why does Heaven seem to cost so much?” I ask, barely a whisper.
It costs me…Dimitri.
I have to give him up.
The thought slashes through me, a lightning strike trying to cleave my soul in two. It illuminates our past, our history, the very intertwining weave of our two lives. There’s no joy that Dimitri and I both don’t share. No pain that we don’t live through together. A realisation strikes me with such force I double over, sucking in air.
Dimitri and I are two parts of one soul.
He is my soul.
How can a full belly be satisfying if my soul is left hungry? How can I truly be warm if my heart is left cold?
What sapphires could please me more than Dimitri’s eyes? What symphony as rich as his laughter? What finest silk could compare to being wrapped up in his arms? All the world could crumble and wither into ash, but if he were still alive, I’d still be happy.
Suddenly the rain and mist inside me clears. Everything is clear and fresh, like the first day of spring.
I look up from my hands, twisted together in my lap. Natassia is frowning at me, asking if I’m okay.
“Oh, Natassia,” I breathe, “I’ve been such a fool.” My blood rushes with purpose, my veins swollen with clarity. “I need to find Dimitri.” I fling myself from my seat and begin to run, my soul feeling like it has remembered its wings, now taking flight.
I burst into our apartment, eyes seeking the man I love more than life itself, his sacred name on my lips. I blink rapidly, hardly able to believe what I’m seeing. The place has been ruined, furniture dashed to splintered pieces, our vinyl record in shards, scattered fallen pages all that remain of my books. Through the smashed windows, a bitter wind blows in, making me shiver.
I can almost see Dimitri as he stumbled back into the apartment after our fight—what set him off? What did he see that broke the dam of his rage? I can feel him falling apart, his tormented pain still hovering like a ghost, clinging to each shattered item.
“If you leave…you…you can’t fucking come back,” he roars.
He thought I was never coming back. My heart jams up into my throat, choking me.
I did this.
I destroyed him.
“No,” releases from my lips in a whisper. My knees give out. I sink to the floor, my fingers clawing at the carpet. They catch on a shredded piece of bright white lace that I don’t recognise as being mine. I see the shredded box, the wrapping paper. I realise instantly that this was supposed to have been for me. For my sixteenth birthday. In two days.
In seeking Heaven, I reached too far. I flew too high with wings made of wax. Now I’ve fallen.
I have ruined us both.
14
____________
Alena
The present…
At Worthington Manor, dinner is served at eight o’clock every night in the grand dining room. A monstrous wooden table that can seat twenty-four people plus elbow room is the main feature in this high-ceilinged room, original woodwork panels mixed with deep green wallpaper, glass cabinets and serving tables; at each end is a grand fireplace so large I can stand in it. I sit opposite Emily and we wait, hands in laps, for my husband to honour us with his presence at the place at the head of the table between us.
“Did you tell him?” she asks, a slight crease between her brows. I know she’s talking about my miscarriage.
I glance over to the side of the dining room. There’s only a young maid waiting there to serve us. I know she won’t tell on us. I turn back to Emily. “Mrs Bates had that pleasure.”
At the mention of Mrs Bates, Emily makes a face like she’s tasted something awful. Then her features turn piteous. “Poor Papa,” Emily says. “He must be so sad.”
I wince slightly as I remember her father’s anger earlier. Thankfully Emily hasn’t noticed. She’s watching the door for her father. She would die if she knew what was going on under her nose. She doesn’t know I was bought. She doesn’t know that