tell her I’m sorry—then everything will be okay.
Perhaps there is another entrance or even an open window. I slip along the building until I find a slim gate. Through it I can see a passage between the buildings. I spy what looks like a courtyard beyond. The courtyard, of course. A lot of these old buildings are built around one. The gate is unlocked, thank God. It squeaks as I push it open enough to squeeze my frame through, my feet almost silent on the cobblestones. I hear voices as I near the end of the passageway.
“…doesn’t understand.”
I suck in a breath. That’s Alena. The sound of pain in her voice cuts me. I can’t bear to hear her cry. I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry. I’m about to step out when she says something that makes me freeze.
“I hate Dimitri,” she hisses. “He’s selfish and cruel. And his temper… You should have heard all the insults he hurled at me.”
My blood curdles with guilt. If I could take back every word, Alena.
“He’s nothing but a thief and a simpleton. He’s never going to be anything more.”
My stomach stabs with the spearheads of all my failings, brought to life with her words.
Nothing but a thief.
A simpleton.
Never going to be anything more.
Deep down I think all these things. Deep down I fear they are true. I never suspected that she thought this.
“It would kill me to marry Dimitri. I have to accept the Englishman. God, what I wouldn’t give to leave this horrible place. What I wouldn’t give to have a better life.”
She can’t mean that. I clutch at the brick wall, the passageway closing in on me, my vision blurring. I can’t breathe. I need air. Air. I need.
“If Dimitri can’t see that…he can stay here in hell and rot, see if I care.”
Her words are the forged steel of a sword slicing me right through my heart.
Here it is. The truth of what she believes of me. The truth she had never dared to say to my face. All this time…I thought she loved me. She is everything to me. I thought she felt the same. Turns out I am just another love-sick fool so easily tossed aside when a better offer comes along.
“Don’t marry him, marry me. I don’t have a ring now but I will get one. I will. I can give you everything you’ve ever wanted. I promise, just…”
She tugs her hand from mine, the loss of it spreading a frost through me like sickness. “Get up. You look ridiculous on the floor.”
I can’t hear anymore.
I can’t.
I stumble back, back through the passageway, tripping over my own feet, tumbling through the gate. When I hit the pavement, I begin to run. I am numb, wrapped in fuzzy cotton. I can barely feel my feet. I sense the bubbling roar of anguish chasing after me like a tsunami. When it hits me…God help me.
I fear I can’t outrun it for long.
13
____________
Alena
“I have to accept the Englishman,” I say to Natassia, the GW’s dark-haired receptionist. Even as I say these words, my voice sounds hollow. I squeeze my eyes shut. Every time I do, I see Dimitri on his knees in front of me. I remember my cold words to him and they spear me through my heart. I snap my eyes open and focus on Natassia’s face, her lovely features drawn into a look of concern.
She and I are sitting on a wrought-iron bench in the courtyard of Isabelle’s agency, so the girls inside can’t hear us. She is the only one here who knows the truth about Dimitri. That he’s not my brother. She’s promised not to tell. I don’t trust her, exactly. I don’t know her. But I had to talk to someone. I just have to hope that she keeps her word.
“What I wouldn’t give to leave this horrible place,” I spit out. “What I wouldn’t give to have a better life.” I just want to know what it’s like to be warm and fed and happy. I want to know what it means not to have to worry all the time. Is that too much to ask for? Bitter frustration bubbles up within my well of hurt. “If Dimitri can’t see that…he can stay here and rot, see if I care.”
A sharp wind blows. The creak of the front gate sounds out of the passageway. Natassia slides a hand on my shoulder. She has been so kind to me since I first came